Stupid Funny Quotes

Every morning I do 10 sit-ups, to hit the snooze button on my alarm clock.

Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you.

It's better to shut up and give the impression that you're stupid than to say something and erase all doubt.

Sometimes I'm grateful that thoughts don't appear as bubbles over our heads.

I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it.

Alcohol kills brain cells slowly, but that never bothered me because I'm not in a hurry.

A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughters school concert.

He grabbed her hand and held it tightly, and she thought, "he loves me!" And he thought, "wow this sidewalk is icy!"

Kids, I don't know if our ceiling is the best ceiling... but it's definitely up there.

I always help my wife out with housework such as washing the dishes and doing the laundry. She washes them, and I let them dry.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

After a while, I eventually fell in love and there was nobody to pick me up.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...