Funny Witty Quotes

Home / Funny Witty Quotes

Funny witty quotes and sayings.

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?' - Anonymous

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?' Anonymous

Funny Tree Quotes Stupid Quotes Top 100

Your secrets are safe with me... I wasn't even listening. - Anonymous

Your secrets are safe with me... I wasn't even listening. Anonymous

Short Quotes Top 100

$Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information, like when you're cold, you should go to a corner since it's 90 degrees there. - Anonymous$

Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information, like when you're cold, you should go to a corner since it's 90 degrees there. Anonymous

Life Quotes Math Quotes Top 100

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. - Anonymous

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. Anonymous

Animals People Quotes Short Quotes

Whenever I'm sad, you're there. Whenever I have problems, you're there. Whenever I lose control, you're there. Let's face it, you are bad luck. - Anonymous

Whenever I'm sad, you're there. Whenever I have problems, you're there. Whenever I lose control, you're there. Let's face it, you are bad luck. Anonymous

I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making. - CoolFunnyQuotes.com

I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making. CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Short Quotes Stupid Quotes

If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much.

If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much. Anonymous

Life Quotes People Quotes Top 100

Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals. - CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals. CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Animals Cat Quotes Life Quotes

When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed. - Anonymous

When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed. Anonymous

There are so many times I made you angry, upset, irritated and tired. Today I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of continuing. - Anonymous

There are so many times I made you angry, upset, irritated and tired. Today I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of continuing. Anonymous

People Quotes Think Quotes Time Quotes

I don't have gray hair, I have wisdom highlights. Anonymous

I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable. - Anonymous

I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable. Anonymous

People Quotes Phone Statements

Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them? - Anonymous

Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them? Anonymous

Life Quotes Money Quotes Phone

Instead of LOL why don't you try LOLWKASF: Laughing Out Loud While Keeping A Straight Face. Anonymous

If you keep annoying me, I'll give your phone number to all the kids and tell them it's Santa's hotline. - Anonymous

If you keep annoying me, I'll give your phone number to all the kids and tell them it's Santa's hotline. Anonymous

I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.

I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon. Anonymous

Short Quotes Wise Quotes

I was told to check my attitude. I did, and it's still there.. it hasn't gone anywhere. What's the problem? - Anonymous

I was told to check my attitude. I did, and it's still there.. it hasn't gone anywhere. What's the problem? Anonymous

My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty. - Anonymous

My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty. Anonymous

Short Quotes Stupid Quotes Top 100

Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote! - Anonymous

Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote! Anonymous

Animals TV Quotes Top 100

My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one. - Anonymous

My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one. Anonymous

Short Quotes Stupid Quotes Wise Quotes

Pool rules: You're not allowed to do anything that begins with the words 'Hey everyone watch this!' - Anonymous

Pool rules: You're not allowed to do anything that begins with the words 'Hey everyone watch this!' Anonymous

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. - Eric Morecambe

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Eric Morecambe

Stupid Quotes Top 100

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

Ronnie Shakes

Know Quotes Short Quotes Top 100

Dear phone, if you didn't light up so many times to tell me you had a low battery, you wouldn't have died so quickly! - Anonymous

Dear phone, if you didn't light up so many times to tell me you had a low battery, you wouldn't have died so quickly! Anonymous

Displayed 1-24 of 47 quotes.