Funny Witty Quotes

Your secrets are safe with me... I wasn't even listening.

There are so many times I made you angry, upset, irritated and tired. Today I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of continuing.

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

I'm having people over to stare at their phones later, if you want to come by...

Instead of LOL why don't you try LOLWKASF: Laughing Out Loud While Keeping A Straight Face.

Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information, like when you're cold, you should go to a corner since it's 90 degrees there.

If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much.

Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them?

My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.

Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable.

My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.

If you keep annoying me, I'll give your phone number to all the kids and tell them it's Santa's hotline.

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

I keep pressing the space bar, but I'm still on Earth.

Modern intelligence: if all bathrooms in the house are taken, turn off the internet.

My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty.

I was told to check my attitude. I did, and it's still there.. it hasn't gone anywhere. What's the problem?

I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

Whenever I'm sad, you're there. Whenever I have problems, you're there. Whenever I lose control, you're there. Let's face it, you are bad luck.

Happiness: The emotion that puts your face in motion. Fear: The emotion that puts your legs in motion. Anger: The emotion that puts your fist in motion. Lesson: Don't be afraid or angry and you won't have to run and fight.