Funny Witty Quotes

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.

Instead of LOL why don't you try LOLWKASF: Laughing Out Loud While Keeping A Straight Face.

When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.

My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.

My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.

Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information, like when you're cold, you should go to a corner since it's 90 degrees there.

If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much.

There are so many times I made you angry, upset, irritated and tired. Today I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of continuing.

I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote!

I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable.

Happiness: The emotion that puts your face in motion. Fear: The emotion that puts your legs in motion. Anger: The emotion that puts your fist in motion. Lesson: Don't be afraid or angry and you won't have to run and fight.

I'm having people over to stare at their phones later, if you want to come by...