Funny Witty Quotes

Your secrets are safe with me... I wasn't even listening.

I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face, but with words.

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

There are so many times I made you angry, upset, irritated and tired. Today I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of continuing.

Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information, like when you're cold, you should go to a corner since it's 90 degrees there.

I'm having people over to stare at their phones later, if you want to come by...

I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.

Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals.

Instead of LOL why don't you try LOLWKASF: Laughing Out Loud While Keeping A Straight Face.

My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

I was told to check my attitude. I did, and it's still there.. it hasn't gone anywhere. What's the problem?

If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much.

Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote!

Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them?

When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.

My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine. Unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it's no longer available.

I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable.

Dear phone, if you didn't light up so many times to tell me you had a low battery, you wouldn't have died so quickly!

Sorry I can't come today. My sister's friend's mother's grandpa's brother's grandson's uncle's fish died, and it was tragic.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.