Funny witty quotes and sayings.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
If you keep annoying me, I'll give your phone number to all the kids and tell them it's Santa's hotline.
My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.
I'm going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, I'm outstanding.
Whenever I'm sad, you're there. Whenever I have problems, you're there. Whenever I lose control, you're there. Let's face it, you are bad luck.
The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'
If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much.
Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them?
I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable.
I was told to check my attitude. I did, and it's still there.. it hasn't gone anywhere. What's the problem?
I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.
I keep pressing the space bar, but I'm still on Earth.
Your secrets are safe with me... I wasn't even listening.
My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.
There are so many times I made you angry, upset, irritated and tired. Today I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of continuing.
My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty.
Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information, like when you're cold, you should go to a corner since it's 90 degrees there.
I found the hotel with the most stars in the world. It has an open roof so you can see them all.
Pool rules: You're not allowed to do anything that begins with the words 'Hey everyone watch this!'
I'm not being smart, I'm just a skilled trained professional in pointing out the obvious.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes, but we all know I'm hilarious.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals.
Sorry I can't come today. My sister's friend's mother's grandpa's brother's grandson's uncle's fish died, and it was tragic.
Happiness: The emotion that puts your face in motion. Fear: The emotion that puts your legs in motion. Anger: The emotion that puts your fist in motion. Lesson: Don't be afraid or angry and you won't have to run and fight.
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