Funny Witty Quotes

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

Anonymous

If you keep annoying me, I'll give your phone number to all the kids and tell them it's Santa's hotline.

Anonymous

My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.

Anonymous

I'm going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, I'm outstanding.

Anonymous

Whenever I'm sad, you're there. Whenever I have problems, you're there. Whenever I lose control, you're there. Let's face it, you are bad luck.

Anonymous

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

Anonymous

If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much.

Anonymous

Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them?

Anonymous

I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.

CoolFunnyQuotes.com

I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable.

Anonymous

I was told to check my attitude. I did, and it's still there.. it hasn't gone anywhere. What's the problem?

Anonymous

My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.

Anonymous

There are so many times I made you angry, upset, irritated and tired. Today I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of continuing.

Anonymous

My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty.

Anonymous

I found the hotel with the most stars in the world. It has an open roof so you can see them all.

Anonymous

Pool rules: You're not allowed to do anything that begins with the words 'Hey everyone watch this!'

Anonymous

I keep pressing the space bar, but I'm still on Earth.

Anonymous

I try not to laugh at my own jokes, but we all know I'm hilarious.

Anonymous