Funny witty quotes and sayings.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
If you keep annoying me, I'll give your phone number to all the kids and tell them it's Santa's hotline.
My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.
I'm going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, I'm outstanding.
Whenever I'm sad, you're there. Whenever I have problems, you're there. Whenever I lose control, you're there. Let's face it, you are bad luck.
The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'
If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much.
Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them?
I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable.
I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.
I was told to check my attitude. I did, and it's still there.. it hasn't gone anywhere. What's the problem?
My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.
There are so many times I made you angry, upset, irritated and tired. Today I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of continuing.
My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty.
I found the hotel with the most stars in the world. It has an open roof so you can see them all.
I keep pressing the space bar, but I'm still on Earth.
Pool rules: You're not allowed to do anything that begins with the words 'Hey everyone watch this!'
I try not to laugh at my own jokes, but we all know I'm hilarious.
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