Funny witty quotes and sayings.
When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information, like when you're cold, you should go to a corner since it's 90 degrees there.
Dear auto-correct, that's not what I was trying to say. I'm getting tired of your shirt.
The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'
Sorry I can't come today. My sister's friend's mother's grandpa's brother's grandson's uncle's fish died, and it was tragic.
I keep pressing the space bar, but I'm still on Earth.
Your secrets are safe with me... I wasn't even listening.
Dear phone, if you didn't light up so many times to tell me you had a low battery, you wouldn't have died so quickly!
I was told to check my attitude. I did, and it's still there.. it hasn't gone anywhere. What's the problem?
Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote!
I'm not being smart, I'm just a skilled trained professional in pointing out the obvious.
Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals.
Modern intelligence: if all bathrooms in the house are taken, turn off the internet.
I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.
I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.
My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.
I don't understand, but I also don't care... so it works out.
My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine. Unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it's no longer available.
I once had a job in a orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.
My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency notify:"I put "Doctor."
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