Funny Witty Quotes

There are so many times I made you angry, upset, irritated and tired. Today I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of continuing.

Your secrets are safe with me... I wasn't even listening.

Instead of LOL why don't you try LOLWKASF: Laughing Out Loud While Keeping A Straight Face.

I'm having people over to stare at their phones later, if you want to come by...

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much.

I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable.

I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.

Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them?

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals.

Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information, like when you're cold, you should go to a corner since it's 90 degrees there.

I'm going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, I'm outstanding.

My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.

If you keep annoying me, I'll give your phone number to all the kids and tell them it's Santa's hotline.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

Happiness: The emotion that puts your face in motion. Fear: The emotion that puts your legs in motion. Anger: The emotion that puts your fist in motion. Lesson: Don't be afraid or angry and you won't have to run and fight.

I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

Today was once tomorrow, and tomorrow will be today soon.

I keep pressing the space bar, but I'm still on Earth.

Modern intelligence: if all bathrooms in the house are taken, turn off the internet.

My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.

My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty.

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

I found the hotel with the most stars in the world. It has an open roof so you can see them all.