Your mind needs exercise just as much as your body does, that's why I think of jogging every day.
I always help my wife out with housework such as washing the dishes and doing the laundry. She washes them, and I let them dry.
If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.
Officer: I had a feeling I'd catch someone speeding here. Driver: I know, that's why I came as fast as I could!
Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.
I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.
What I do when I see someone pretty is, I stare, I smile then when I get tired I put the mirror down.
No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.
You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here.
I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, I don't even know where sandwiches live.
I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better.
I've made it from the bed to the couch. There's no stopping me now.
The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
Due to current economic conditions the light
at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Alcohol kills brain cells slowly, but that never bothered me because I'm not in a hurry.
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