I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.
Alcohol kills brain cells slowly, but that never bothered me because I'm not in a hurry.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
I don't mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years.
Don't be stupid, it might make you famous.
I follow a rigorous exercise routine that I never get lazy about; fetching beer bottles from the fridge.
My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.
Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.
In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria.
Due to current economic conditions the light
at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.
Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
I just cleaned the house top to bottom, so now I'm gonna need everybody to stop living here.
What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.'
Dance like nobody is watching, because they are not, they are all checking their phones.
Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.
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