Actual meanings of various terms: TEAM WORK: Having somebody else you can blame it on. HARDWARE: The part of a computer you can kick when there are software problems. IMPATIENT: Somebody who is waiting in a hurry. INFLATION: Paying today's prices with last year's salary.
The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.
If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That's the American way. - Homer Simpson
After a lot of research, scientists have concluded that the most vitamins are found in the pharmacy.
The chains on my mood swing just snapped. Run!
I would go out of my mind, but I can't find the exit.
You laugh because I'm different........... I laugh cause I just farted!
Stop saying "B4" instead of "Before," you're ruining my Bingo game.
He grabbed her hand and held it tightly, and she thought, "he loves me!" And he thought, "wow this sidewalk is icy!"
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
I'm not frowning, I'm just smiling upside down.
I'll do the stupid thing first and then you shy people follow .
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
I'm going to open a new Facebook account named 'Anonymous' so all the cool quotes will be attributed to me!
I put the "Pro" in procrastinate.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
You know the potholes on a road are bad when they assign lifeguards to them, in case anybody falls inside.
If you know how many cupcakes I'm holding behind my back I'll give you both of them.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I always intended to pay for my sins, but I could never afford it.
I childproofed my house but the kids still get in somehow.
Newspaper ad: Hiring clowns, must be serious.
Why didn't Bruce Willis play the lead role in Titanic? He would have saved everyone.
It snowed so much last night that this morning my backyard was full of penguins.
I don't understand what's bothering you honey, I bring you coffee in bed every morning, all you have to do is grind it.
