New year resolutions you can actually keep!
Skip more classes in school.
Call in sick at work more.
Go shopping more often.
Eat more unhealthy food like fries and burgers.
Drink more pop cans instead of freshly squeezing healthy fruits.
Do less exercise and watch more TV.
Finally it's Friday and I can go out. I'm putting the garbage out and I'll be right back.
It's easy to stop smoking. I stopped smoking today with no problems. I also stopped yesterday too, and the day before that.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, no, you don't deserve to be hung up, think about what you've done.
If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.
Actual meanings of various terms:
TEAM WORK: Having somebody else you can blame it on.
HARDWARE: The part of a computer you can kick when there are software problems.
IMPATIENT: Somebody who is waiting in a hurry.
INFLATION: Paying today's prices with last year's salary.
In grammar class the teacher asks her student: When you sing you say 'I sing' what do you say when your brother is singing? I say 'shut up you're a terrible singer'.
Did you know electronics need smoke to work? Once the smoke comes out of them, they stop working.
I don't mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years.
Officer: I had a feeling I'd catch someone speeding here. Driver: I know, that's why I came as fast as I could!
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.
I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.
I didn't mean to gain weight, it just happened by snackcident.
I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better.
I'm a ninja! No you're not. Did you see that? See what? Exactly!
Fart when someone hugs you, it makes them feel strong.
The chains on my mood swing just snapped. Run!
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
Why do you always see lightning first and hear the thunder later? Because your eyes are in front of your ears.
I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am..
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
I'm not crazy, my unicorn just needs a tuneup.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.
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