If you had to choose between eating tacos every day or being skinny for life would you choose hard or soft tacos?
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Roses are red, my name is not Dave, this makes no sense, microwave.
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, I don't even know where sandwiches live.
If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.
After a while, I eventually fell in love and there was nobody to pick me up.
Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence, after all intelligence has it's limits.
Actual meanings of various terms:
TEAM WORK: Having somebody else you can blame it on.
HARDWARE: The part of a computer you can kick when there are software problems.
IMPATIENT: Somebody who is waiting in a hurry.
INFLATION: Paying today's prices with last year's salary.
I've made it from the bed to the couch. There's no stopping me now.
I'm going to open a new Facebook account named 'Anonymous' so all the cool quotes will be attributed to me!
Are you free tomorrow? No, tomorrow I'm still expensive.
Would you believe my neighbor was knocking on my door at 2:30AM this morning? Luckily, I was still up playing bagpipes.
Don't be stupid, it might make you famous.
The last thing that blew my mind was the wind.
The chains on my mood swing just snapped. Run!
I'm a ninja! No you're not. Did you see that? See what? Exactly!
I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am..
Alcohol kills brain cells slowly, but that never bothered me because I'm not in a hurry.
I put the "Pro" in procrastinate.
Just because I can't sing doesn't mean that I won't sing.
If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That's the American way. - Homer Simpson
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