Read some of the funniest statements that have been made throughout time.
I think it's clear that companies making medicine have no idea what fruits taste like.
When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it.
Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo.
I love my six pack so much, I protect is with a layer of fat.
Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Studying means 10% reading and 90% complaining to your friends that you have to study.
If you want someone who will listen to you every time, do everything you tell them to do, and always be there for you for better or for worse, get a dog.
I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.
When I'm at work I can fall asleep instantly, but when I'm in my bed I can hardly fall asleep.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor, and think "I'd tap that."
I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable.
Dear Santa, this year I'd like a fat bank account, and a thin body... please don't confuse the two like you did last time.
All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza.
Yesterday I did nothing and today I'm finishing what I did yesterday.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I only check my voice mail to get rid of the annoying little icon.
Everything happening now happens because of everything that has happened before.
I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad!
I thought about losing weight once, but I don't like losing.
Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back.
The difference between running and walking is a lot more apparent when you have to go to the bathroom.
I hate it when people text "Call me." I'm going to start calling people and as soon as they answer I'll say "text me," then hang up.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
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