Short Funny Quotes

I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.

Anonymous

I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.

Anonymous

I'm a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off multiple things at once.

Anonymous

I already want to take a nap tomorrow.

Anonymous

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

Anonymous

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Erma Bombeck

My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour.

Anonymous

I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved.

Anonymous

Seeing a spider in my room isn't scary. It's scary when it disappears.

Anonymous

My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.

Anonymous

What keys can't open locks? Monkeys, donkeys and turkeys.

Anonymous

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket."

Anonymous

To the guy who created imaginary numbers in Math: I hate you.

Anonymous

What do I do for a living? I breathe in and out.

Anonymous

I hate when I go to the kitchen looking for food, and I find is ingredients.

Anonymous

You wanna know who I'm in love with? Read the first word again.

Anonymous

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

Albert King

Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

Charles M. Schulz