Short Funny Quotes

I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.

You're born free, then you're taxed to death.

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.

Roses are red, my name is not Dave, this makes no sense, microwave.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.

Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.

For the best seat in the house, you'll have to move the dog.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle!... He's dreaming too.

Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.