Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
I just cleaned the house top to bottom, so now I'm gonna need everybody to stop living here.
In my house dirty dishes are like rabbits, they keep multiplying.
It's so hot outside that I went to buy vegetables, and by the time I got home they turned into soup already.
Kids, I don't know if our ceiling is the best ceiling... but it's definitely up there.
Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence, after all intelligence has it's limits.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
New year resolutions you can actually keep!
Skip more classes in school.
Call in sick at work more.
Go shopping more often.
Eat more unhealthy food like fries and burgers.
Drink more pop cans instead of freshly squeezing healthy fruits.
Do less exercise and watch more TV.
I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it.
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees
When the cop told me to give him my first name and last name I told him, 'Are you crazy? What's my name going to be then?'
Dance like nobody is watching, because they are not, they are all checking their phones.
Every morning I do 10 sit-ups, to hit the snooze button on my alarm clock.
Just because I can't sing doesn't mean that I won't sing.
After many years of studying my Geography book I finally know by heart that Australia is on page 23.
But doctor, where is the umbilical cord? New technology, it's wireless.
The only English words I saw in Japan were Sony and Mitsubishi.
I lost control. Offering reward to anyone who finds it.
Store front sign: Entire store on sale, everything $1 or more.
Bathroom sign above toilet: It's like basketball, the basket is bigger than the ball! Learn to score properly!
The last thing that blew my mind was the wind.
Your legs must be tired because you have been running through my mind all night.
Why do you always see lightning first and hear the thunder later? Because your eyes are in front of your ears.
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