Stupid Funny Quotes

The universe consists of 5% protons, 5% neutrons, 5% electrons...and 85% morons.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Would you believe my neighbor was knocking on my door at 2:30AM this morning? Luckily, I was still up playing bagpipes.

Officer: I had a feeling I'd catch someone speeding here. Driver: I know, that's why I came as fast as I could!

If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.

I'm not crazy, my unicorn just needs a tuneup.

I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.

You can't have everything... where would you put it?

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you.

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.

Actual meanings of various terms:
TEAM WORK: Having somebody else you can blame it on.
HARDWARE: The part of a computer you can kick when there are software problems.
IMPATIENT: Somebody who is waiting in a hurry.
INFLATION: Paying today's prices with last year's salary.

Roses are red, my name is not Dave, this makes no sense, microwave.

Finally it's Friday and I can go out. I'm putting the garbage out and I'll be right back.