I'm not frowning, I'm just smiling upside down.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.
Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?'
He grabbed her hand and held it tightly, and she thought, "he loves me!" And he thought, "wow this sidewalk is icy!"
I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying!
Finally it's Friday and I can go out. I'm putting the garbage out and I'll be right back.
Did you know electronics need smoke to work? Once the smoke comes out of them, they stop working.
Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you.
I'm not crazy, my unicorn just needs a tuneup.
Alcohol, what's that? It's not in my vodkabulary, but let me check in whiskypedia.
Roses are red, my name is not Dave, this makes no sense, microwave.
Your legs must be tired because you have been running through my mind all night.
I started thinking about the dangers of drinking on new year's eve. After that, I decided to stop thinking.
I'm a ninja! No you're not. Did you see that? See what? Exactly!
I'm going to open a new Facebook account named 'Anonymous' so all the cool quotes will be attributed to me!
I am on a 20 day diet, so far I've lost 10 days.
If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.
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