Don't disturb me, I am disturbed enough already.
Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
I'm trying to think how I can think of what I want to think.
Did you know electronics need smoke to work? Once the smoke comes out of them, they stop working.
New year resolutions you can actually keep!
Skip more classes in school.
Call in sick at work more.
Go shopping more often.
Eat more unhealthy food like fries and burgers.
Drink more pop cans instead of freshly squeezing healthy fruits.
Do less exercise and watch more TV.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
If you can't find your better half, try finding your better two quarters.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
I'm looking to buy a new boomerang, how can I throw the old one out?
Dance like nobody is watching, because they are not, they are all checking their phones.
No, no, I'm listening, it just takes me some time to process so much stupidity all at once.
If you know how many cupcakes I'm holding behind my back I'll give you both of them.
When someone yells stop I don't know whether it's in the name of love, it's Hammer time, or I should smell the flowers.
Why didn't Bruce Willis play the lead role in Titanic? He would have saved everyone.
Instead of LOL why don't you try LOLWKASF: Laughing Out Loud While Keeping A Straight Face.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
I'm not afraid of flying, I'm afraid of not flying.
I'll do the stupid thing first and then you shy people follow .
I'm not crazy, my unicorn just needs a tuneup.
You know the potholes on a road are bad when they assign lifeguards to them, in case anybody falls inside.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you.
Cats have 32 muscles in each ear, to help them ignore you.
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