Stupid Funny Quotes

Today is one of those days that even my coffee needs a coffee.

Anonymous

I started thinking about the dangers of drinking on new year's eve. After that, I decided to stop thinking.

Anonymous

An apple a day keeps anyone anyway, if you throw it hard enough.

Anonymous

Whoever said great things come in small packages hasn't seen my big screen TV.

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I would go out of my mind, but I can't find the exit.

Anonymous

When someone yells stop I don't know whether it's in the name of love, it's Hammer time, or I should smell the flowers.

Anonymous

The chains on my mood swing just snapped. Run!

Anonymous

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying!

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If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.

John Gotti

I put the "Pro" in procrastinate.

Anonymous

I'm going to open a new Facebook account named 'Anonymous' so all the cool quotes will be attributed to me!

Clinton Thomas

Don't disturb me, I am disturbed enough already.

Anonymous

When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, no, you don't deserve to be hung up, think about what you've done.

Anonymous

Don't be stupid, it might make you famous.

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Actual meanings of various terms:
TEAM WORK: Having somebody else you can blame it on.
HARDWARE: The part of a computer you can kick when there are software problems.
IMPATIENT: Somebody who is waiting in a hurry.
INFLATION: Paying today's prices with last year's salary.

Anonymous

Dance like nobody is watching, because they are not, they are all checking their phones.

Anonymous