Stupid Funny Quotes

If you know how many cupcakes I'm holding behind my back I'll give you both of them.

Anonymous

Why didn't Bruce Willis play the lead role in Titanic? He would have saved everyone.

Anonymous

I don't understand what's bothering you honey, I bring you coffee in bed every morning, all you have to do is grind it.

Anonymous

I childproofed my house but the kids still get in somehow.

Anonymous

Kids, I don't know if our ceiling is the best ceiling... but it's definitely up there.

Anonymous

In my house dirty dishes are like rabbits, they keep multiplying.

Anonymous

It snowed so much last night that this morning my backyard was full of penguins.

Anonymous

It's so hot outside that I went to buy vegetables, and by the time I got home they turned into soup already.

Anonymous

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

George Burns

Newspaper ad: Hiring clowns, must be serious.

Anonymous

Every morning I do 10 sit-ups, to hit the snooze button on my alarm clock.

Anonymous

I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it.

Anonymous

New year resolutions you can actually keep!
Skip more classes in school.
Call in sick at work more.
Go shopping more often.
Eat more unhealthy food like fries and burgers.
Drink more pop cans instead of freshly squeezing healthy fruits.
Do less exercise and watch more TV.

Anonymous

When the cop told me to give him my first name and last name I told him, 'Are you crazy? What's my name going to be then?'

Anonymous

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees

David Letterman

Your legs must be tired because you have been running through my mind all night.

Anonymous

Just because I can't sing doesn't mean that I won't sing.

Anonymous

But doctor, where is the umbilical cord? New technology, it's wireless.

Anonymous