Stupid Funny Quotes

I'm looking to buy a new boomerang, how can I throw the old one out?

You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here.

I always help my wife out with housework such as washing the dishes and doing the laundry. She washes them, and I let them dry.

I'm having people over to stare at their phones later, if you want to come by...

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

I just cleaned the house top to bottom, so now I'm gonna need everybody to stop living here.

Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.

If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.

But doctor, where is the umbilical cord? New technology, it's wireless.

Kids, I don't know if our ceiling is the best ceiling... but it's definitely up there.

Are you free tomorrow? No, tomorrow I'm still expensive.

Finally it's Friday and I can go out. I'm putting the garbage out and I'll be right back.

Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.

I don't understand what's bothering you honey, I bring you coffee in bed every morning, all you have to do is grind it.