What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist.
How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
When a man gets close to a woman wearing a leather mini-skirt, his heart starts beating faster, his throat gets dry, his knees get weak and he becomes irrational.. Why? Because the leather smells like a new car.
What are the two magic words that you can always use to make a shark happy? "Man Overboard!"
That moment when you spell a word so wrong, even auto-correct is like "I've got nothing man."
I called tech support and told them my computer is frozen. They said to hold the power button, and I was like 'Ummm.. it's covered with ice man."
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
I'd like to live like a poor man - only with lots of money.
I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.
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