What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
I'd like to live like a poor man - only with lots of money.
How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?
God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.
I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status.
The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist.
How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
That moment when you spell a word so wrong, even auto-correct is like "I've got nothing man."
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What are the two magic words that you can always use to make a shark happy? "Man Overboard!"
I called tech support and told them my computer is frozen. They said to hold the power button, and I was like 'Ummm.. it's covered with ice man."
When a man gets close to a woman wearing a leather mini-skirt, his heart starts beating faster, his throat gets dry, his knees get weak and he becomes irrational.. Why? Because the leather smells like a new car.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
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