Did a cartwheel the other day, thinking it was like riding a bike. It's not.
No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.
Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.
I started thinking about the dangers of drinking on new year's eve. After that, I decided to stop thinking.
I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying!
You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here.
My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine. Unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it's no longer available.
Alcohol kills brain cells slowly, but that never bothered me because I'm not in a hurry.
I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Don't be stupid, it might make you famous.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty.
Chocolate doesn't ask silly questions, chocolate understands.
I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, I don't even know where sandwiches live.
Don't ask me anything, and I won't tell you any lies.
I didn't mean to gain weight, it just happened by snackcident.
When someone yells stop I don't know whether it's in the name of love, it's Hammer time, or I should smell the flowers.
I wish that all of my enemies had three cars parked in front of their house. An ambulance, fire truck and police car.
I am on a 20 day diet, so far I've lost 10 days.
Intelligence is chasing me, but I'm beating it so far.
Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
I've made it from the bed to the couch. There's no stopping me now.
I'm not afraid of flying, I'm afraid of not flying.
