I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.
What I do when I see someone pretty is, I stare, I smile then when I get tired I put the mirror down.
Good friends don't let their friends do stupid things alone.
I'm not frowning, I'm just smiling upside down.
Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?'
I'm going to open a new Facebook account named 'Anonymous' so all the cool quotes will be attributed to me!
After a while, I eventually fell in love and there was nobody to pick me up.
I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.
George W. Bush
My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine. Unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it's no longer available.
I always help my wife out with housework such as washing the dishes and doing the laundry. She washes them, and I let them dry.
If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.
Just because I can't sing doesn't mean that I won't sing.
A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
Alcohol, what's that? It's not in my vodkabulary, but let me check in whiskypedia.
The last thing that blew my mind was the wind.
Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.
Roses are red, my name is not Dave, this makes no sense, microwave.
Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.
No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.
Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird. Be whatever, because life is too short to be anything but happy.
Alcohol kills brain cells slowly, but that never bothered me because I'm not in a hurry.
I would go out of my mind, but I can't find the exit.
I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.
Your mind needs exercise just as much as your body does, that's why I think of jogging every day.
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