Your legs must be tired because you have been running through my mind all night.
I just cleaned the house top to bottom, so now I'm gonna need everybody to stop living here.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
I'm not frowning, I'm just smiling upside down.
You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here.
It's so hot outside that I went to buy vegetables, and by the time I got home they turned into soup already.
I am on a 20 day diet, so far I've lost 10 days.
Teacher: Why are you talking during my lesson? Student: Why are you teaching during my conversation?
Every morning I do 10 sit-ups, to hit the snooze button on my alarm clock.
My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine. Unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it's no longer available.
I started thinking about the dangers of drinking on new year's eve. After that, I decided to stop thinking.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughters school concert.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Don't ask me anything, and I won't tell you any lies.
Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?'
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.
George W. Bush
Officer: I had a feeling I'd catch someone speeding here. Driver: I know, that's why I came as fast as I could!
Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.
The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
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