Wise cracks and funny advise that people have given to others.
When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning," I sleep in until noon because I'm a problem solver.
I was gonna take over the world today but I overslept. Postponed, again!
Don't vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones in the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn't even on.
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a "No Bell" prize.
People say I act like I don't care. It's not an act.
An apple a day keeps anyone anyway, if you throw it hard enough.
Of course I talk to myself... sometimes I need expert advice.
There are so many times I made you angry, upset, irritated and tired. Today I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of continuing.
I'm a Victoria's Secret model. It's such a secret, not even Victoria knows.
If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?
Dear auto-correct, that's not what I was trying to say. I'm getting tired of your shirt.
A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
My taste in music ranges from "You've gotta listen to this" to "I know, please don't judge me."
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Think of a number between 1 and 10. Multiply it by 9 and subtract 1. Now close your eyes. It's dark isn't it?
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three four times, you know, just to be sure!
Don't mess with me, I know Karate, Judo, Jujitsu, Kung Fu and 20 other dangerous words.
I don't think inside the box and I don't think outside the box... I don't even know where the box is.
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