Wise cracks and funny advise that people have given to others.
There are so many times I made you angry, upset, irritated and tired. Today I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of continuing.
People say I act like I don't care. It's not an act.
I was gonna take over the world today but I overslept. Postponed, again!
Yes officer I saw the speed limit, I just didn't see your car.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I actually asked for pizza.
A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
In Math class we learned more about algebra today, such as X+10=Y should I care?
If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.
Don't be stupid, it might make you famous.
I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
I'm off to club bed, featuring DJ Pillow and MC Blanky.
Never play poker with the world's fastest animal, because he's a cheetah.
How do you make your cell phone smarter? Turn up the brightness.
If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
How can you make sure you never miss your target? Shoot first, and whatever you hit, call it the target.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it.. I'm totally flexible.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
A few days ago I lost my weapon of Math instruction... my trusty pocket calculator.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
If you don't like me, remember it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.
I don't think inside the box and I don't think outside the box... I don't even know where the box is.
The best revenge is massive success.
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