Wise cracks and funny advise that people have given to others.
If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?
When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning," I sleep in until noon because I'm a problem solver.
I just finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.
Some things are better left unsaid, which I certainly realize, right after I say them.
How can you make sure you never miss your target? Shoot first, and whatever you hit, call it the target.
Don't vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones in the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn't even on.
Don't worry about what to wear today, your smile goes with any clothes.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
Santa saw your Facebook posts. This year you're getting a dictionary.
Pleasing everyone, that's impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake!
A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a "No Bell" prize.
I don't think inside the box and I don't think outside the box... I don't even know where the box is.
If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.
How do you make your cell phone smarter? Turn up the brightness.
If you don't cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole cake, then you only had one piece.
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three four times, you know, just to be sure!
Yes officer I saw the speed limit, I just didn't see your car.
A few days ago I lost my weapon of Math instruction... my trusty pocket calculator.
In Math class we learned more about algebra today, such as X+10=Y should I care?
Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
There are so many times I made you angry, upset, irritated and tired. Today I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of continuing.
Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
