You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
Did a cartwheel the other day, thinking it was like riding a bike. It's not.
My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty.
Intelligence is chasing me, but I'm beating it so far.
I'm not afraid of flying, I'm afraid of not flying.
After a lot of research, scientists have concluded that the most vitamins are found in the pharmacy.
Not to brag but I don't even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
I am on a 20 day diet, so far I've lost 10 days.
My decision making skills are as good as a squirrel that's crossing the street.
Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence, after all intelligence has it's limits.
If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That's the American way. - Homer Simpson
Stop saying "B4" instead of "Before," you're ruining my Bingo game.
I always intended to pay for my sins, but I could never afford it.
You know the potholes on a road are bad when they assign lifeguards to them, in case anybody falls inside.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
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