Stupid Funny Quotes

It snowed so much last night that this morning my backyard was full of penguins.

You laugh because I'm different........... I laugh cause I just farted!

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Alcohol kills brain cells slowly, but that never bothered me because I'm not in a hurry.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

No, no, I'm listening, it just takes me some time to process so much stupidity all at once.

If you had to choose between eating tacos every day or being skinny for life would you choose hard or soft tacos?

I'm a ninja! No you're not. Did you see that? See what? Exactly!

I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Intelligence is chasing me, but I'm beating it so far.

Don't disturb me, I am disturbed enough already.

My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty.

He grabbed her hand and held it tightly, and she thought, "he loves me!" And he thought, "wow this sidewalk is icy!"

I childproofed my house but the kids still get in somehow.