How can you make sure you never miss your target? Shoot first, and whatever you hit, call it the target.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.
No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.
Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them they check their phone every minute.
I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three four times, you know, just to be sure!
Alcohol kills brain cells slowly, but that never bothered me because I'm not in a hurry.
You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.
My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again.
I follow a rigorous exercise routine that I never get lazy about; fetching beer bottles from the fridge.
Dear LOL, thank you for being there for me all those times I never had something else to say.
I always intended to pay for my sins, but I could never afford it.
Making food: 1 hour. Eating food: 20 seconds. Washing dishes: never ending.
My wife never gives up. She is so insistent that she entered the wrong password over and over again until she managed to convince the computer that she's right!
The surest sign that there's intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, is that it has never contacted us.
Never test how deep the water is with both feet.
Never ask a starfish for directions.
If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
I don't know how to act my age because I've never been this old before.
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