My four moods: I'm too old for doing that. I'm too tired for doing that. I'm too sober for doing that. I don't have time for doing that.
Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears. Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain. Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile. But when you fart just one time...
There are so many times I made you angry, upset, irritated and tired. Today I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of continuing.
Your idea is completely terrible... so what time shall we do it?
They say the best things take time. That's why I'm always late.
I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad!
I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three four times, you know, just to be sure!
A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first.
I don't have the time or crayons to explain myself to you.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.'
If you want someone who will listen to you every time, do everything you tell them to do, and always be there for you for better or for worse, get a dog.
That awkward moment you can't understand what somebody is saying after they have repeated it about five times.
Why do dentists use more anesthetic for longer procedures? So you won't be able to run away when it's time to pay the bill.
Some of the greatest ideas of all time have come to people during Math class... none of which had anything to do with Math.
When someone yells stop I don't know whether it's in the name of love, it's Hammer time, or I should smell the flowers.
It's so hot outside that I went to buy vegetables, and by the time I got home they turned into soup already.
I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.
Dear Santa, this year I'd like a fat bank account, and a thin body... please don't confuse the two like you did last time.
There was a time when people said, 'Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.' Now they just say, 'Pay him!'
It's almost bed time, so I'll just check my e-mail, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and watch a season of my favorite show on Netflix real quick.
Long time ago I used to have a life, until someone told me to create a Facebook account.
You call it nagging, I call it 'listen to what I said the first time!'
Dear LOL, thank you for being there for me all those times I never had something else to say.
