Top 100 Funny Quotes

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones... that's why it's called a "cell" phone.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared!

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But when you fart just one time...

Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird. Be whatever, because life is too short to be anything but happy.

If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.

Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.

If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!

I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.

True friends don't judge each other, they judge other people... together.

So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?