Top 100 Funny Quotes

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones... that's why it's called a "cell" phone.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared!

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird. Be whatever, because life is too short to be anything but happy.

If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But when you fart just one time...

Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.

Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number.

A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.

When nothing is going right, go left.

Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.