Top 100 Funny Quotes

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones... that's why it's called a "cell" phone.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.

Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But when you fart just one time...

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared!

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.

A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.

I changed my password everywhere to 'incorrect.' That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, 'Your password is incorrect.'

You don't know something? Google it. You don't know someone? Facebook it. You don't know where something is? MOM!

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?