Top 100 Funny Quotes

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Only the best of the best quotes make it here, and it's up to our visitors to decide which make it and which do not. This list is automatically sorted based on your votes, so please vote if you think a quote sucks or rocks!

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones... that's why it's called a "cell" phone. - Anonymous

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones... that's why it's called a "cell" phone.

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared!

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared!

Animals Love Quotes

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.

Short Quotes Stupid Quotes

$Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.$

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.

Math Quotes Stupid Quotes

Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird. Be whatever, because life is too short to be anything but happy. - Anonymous

Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird. Be whatever, because life is too short to be anything but happy.

Happy Quotes Life Quotes Stupid Quotes

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?' - Anonymous

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

Funny Tree Quotes Stupid Quotes Witty Quotes

What is the best thing to do when you have a hole in a boat and water is leaking inside? Make another hole to drain the water.

What is the best thing to do when you have a hole in a boat and water is leaking inside? Make another hole to drain the water.

Questions Stupid Quotes

Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? - Anonymous

Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday?

Questions Short Quotes Work Quotes

But when you fart just one time...

Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But when you fart just one time...

Happy Quotes Sayings Time Quotes

Your secrets are safe with me... I wasn't even listening. - Anonymous

Your secrets are safe with me... I wasn't even listening.

Short Quotes Witty Quotes

Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh. - Anonymous

Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.

Friend Quotes Phone Short Quotes

If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? - Anonymous

If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

Eat Quotes Questions Short Quotes

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough. - Anonymous

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Eat Quotes Short Quotes Stupid Quotes

You never realize what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper is a good example. - Anonymous

You never realize what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper is a good example.

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. - Anonymous

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

Lazy Quotes Short Quotes

A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first. - Anonymous

A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first.

People Quotes Stupid Quotes Time Quotes

People say you can't live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.

People say you can't live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.

Love Quotes Marriage Quotes People Quotes

If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. - Anonymous

If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.

Sayings Short Quotes Wise Quotes

I want to change my name on Facebook to "Nobody," so when I see someone posting something stupid I can Like their post and it will say "Nobody likes this." - Anonymous

I want to change my name on Facebook to "Nobody," so when I see someone posting something stupid I can Like their post and it will say "Nobody likes this."

I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying!

I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying!

CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Phone Short Quotes Stupid Quotes

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. - Anonymous

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.

Friend Quotes Short Quotes

Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

Sayings Sleep Quotes

Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals. - CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals.

CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Animals Cat Quotes Life Quotes

If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off? - Anonymous

If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?

Questions Short Quotes Wise Quotes

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