Top 100 Funny Quotes

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Only the best of the best quotes make it here, and it's up to our visitors to decide which make it and which do not. This list is automatically sorted based on your votes, so please vote if you think a quote sucks or rocks!

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones... that's why it's called a "cell" phone. - Anonymous

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones... that's why it's called a "cell" phone.

$Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.$

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.

Your secrets are safe with me... I wasn't even listening. - Anonymous

Your secrets are safe with me... I wasn't even listening.

But when you fart just one time...

Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But when you fart just one time...

I know some people don't like me, but what can I do, not everyone has good taste. - Anonymous

I know some people don't like me, but what can I do, not everyone has good taste.

People Quotes

Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote! - Anonymous

Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote!

The broccoli says....

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. - Anonymous

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers. - Anonymous

Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

Work Quotes

Pilot rules

Beginner pilot rules:

1. The propeller is just a big fan made to cool down the pilot in the cockpit. When it stops, you can see the pilot start sweating excessively.
2. You don't have to take off, but landing is mandatory.
3. Pushing forward on the flight stick makes the earth look bigger, pulling makes it look smaller.
If you pull too much or too long however, it will look bigger yet again.
4. Flying is safe as long as you don't crash.
5. It's better to wish you were flying than to wish you were on the ground.
6. A good landing is a landing in which everyone walks away.
7. Besides affecting apples, gravity also affects planes.

I want to change my name on Facebook to "Nobody," so when I see someone posting something stupid I can Like their post and it will say "Nobody likes this." - Anonymous

I want to change my name on Facebook to "Nobody," so when I see someone posting something stupid I can Like their post and it will say "Nobody likes this."

Facebook

Since there is only one of me, does that make me limited edition? - Anonymous

Since there is only one of me, does that make me limited edition?

Last night the Internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people. - Anonymous

Last night the Internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.

If you can't laugh at your own problems, call me and I'll laugh at them. - Anonymous

If you can't laugh at your own problems, call me and I'll laugh at them.

Modern intelligence: if all bathrooms in the house are taken, turn off the internet. - Anonymous

Modern intelligence: if all bathrooms in the house are taken, turn off the internet.

Camping: When you spend a small fortune to live like somebody poor. - Anonymous

Camping: When you spend a small fortune to live like somebody poor.

I changed my password everywhere to 'incorrect.'

I changed my password everywhere to 'incorrect.' That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, 'Your password is incorrect.'

Computers

You don't know something? Google it. You don't know someone? Facebook it. You don't know where something is? MOM! - Anonymous

You don't know something? Google it. You don't know someone? Facebook it. You don't know where something is? MOM!

Facebook

I don't understand why judges get paid so much, others judge me for free. - Anonymous

I don't understand why judges get paid so much, others judge me for free.

Short Quotes

You never realize what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper is a good example. - Anonymous

You never realize what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper is a good example.

Sayings

Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love. - Albert Einstein

Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.

Albert Einstein

I was told to check my attitude. I did, and it's still there.. it hasn't gone anywhere. What's the problem? - Anonymous

I was told to check my attitude. I did, and it's still there.. it hasn't gone anywhere. What's the problem?

Witty Quotes

How do you make your cell phone smarter? Turn up the brightness. - Anonymous

How do you make your cell phone smarter? Turn up the brightness.

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it. - Anonymous

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it.

Short Quotes

I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake. - Anonymous

I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.

Displayed 1-25 of 100 quotes.