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If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

Anonymous

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My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

Anonymous

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Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.

Anonymous

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A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.

Anonymous

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As your best friend I'll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.

Anonymous

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I changed my password everywhere to 'incorrect.' That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, 'Your password is incorrect.'

Anonymous

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Latest Funny Quotes

Me: What a terrible day. Mom: Be more positive! Me: What a beautiful terrible day.

Anonymous

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I don't like violence but I don't mind if I get hit by luck.

Anonymous

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There are a 100 billions nerves in the human body, and there are people who have the ability to irritate all of them.

Anonymous

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Spilling hot coffee on your lap wakes you up faster than drinking it.

Anonymous

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A relationship with a best friend is like a sugarcane... You can crush it, shred it, grind it, squeeze it and it's still sweet.

Anonymous

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Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a "No Bell" prize.

Anonymous

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I hope we're good friends until we die, then I hope we can stay ghost friends, walk through walls and scare people.

Anonymous

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Mom: Why is everything on the floor? Me: Gravity, mom.

Anonymous

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When people ask me what is more important, food or love, I don't answer because I'm eating.

Anonymous

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Everyone is posting their vacation pictures and I'm like... I went to the grocery store.

Anonymous

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