I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones... that's why it's called a "cell" phone.

Don't drink to forget me, you'll end up seeing me double.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.

Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But when you fart just one time...

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared!

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.