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If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

Anonymous

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My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

Anonymous

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Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

Anonymous

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If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?

Anonymous

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A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.

Anonymous

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If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

Anonymous

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Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.

Anonymous

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Latest Funny Quotes

It's almost bed time, so I'll just check my e-mail, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and watch a season of my favorite show on Netflix real quick.

Anonymous

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Me: "I need help around here!" Then me again "No, not like that, here I'll do it."

Anonymous

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A true friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg, even though they know you're slightly cracked.

Anonymous

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Interviewer: What do you make at your current job? Me: Mostly mistakes and inappropriate comments.

Anonymous

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I only want one thing from fake people: distance.

Anonymous

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Don't vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones in the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn't even on.

Anonymous

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Me and my best friend can communicate with just facial expressions.

Anonymous

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I don't understand how I can remember every word of a song from 1984, but I can't remember why I walked into the kitchen.

Anonymous

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I don't jump to conclusions, I cannonball into them like a boss.

Anonymous

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Some people aren't just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone.

Anonymous

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