Stupid Funny Quotes

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A list of senseless quotations that are dumb and extremely amusing. Even the most naive person can say something really funny.

Cats have 32 muscles in each ear, to help them ignore you. - Anonymous

Cats have 32 muscles in each ear, to help them ignore you.

What is the best thing to do when you have a hole in a boat and water is leaking inside? Make another hole to drain the water.

What is the best thing to do when you have a hole in a boat and water is leaking inside? Make another hole to drain the water.

Pilot rules

Beginner pilot rules:

1. The propeller is just a big fan made to cool down the pilot in the cockpit. When it stops, you can see the pilot start sweating excessively.
2. You don't have to take off, but landing is mandatory.
3. Pushing forward on the flight stick makes the earth look bigger, pulling makes it look smaller.
If you pull too much or too long however, it will look bigger yet again.
4. Flying is safe as long as you don't crash.
5. It's better to wish you were flying than to wish you were on the ground.
6. A good landing is a landing in which everyone walks away.
7. Besides affecting apples, gravity also affects planes.

I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly. - Anonymous

I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.

The broccoli says....

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughters school concert. - Anonymous

A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughters school concert.

$Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.$

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.

What I do when I see someone pretty is, I stare, I smile then when I get tired I put the mirror down.

What I do when I see someone pretty is, I stare, I smile then when I get tired I put the mirror down.

Would you believe my neighbor was knocking on my door at 2:30AM this morning? Luckily, I was still up playing bagpipes. - Anonymous

Would you believe my neighbor was knocking on my door at 2:30AM this morning? Luckily, I was still up playing bagpipes.

A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. - Anonymous

A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.

What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.' - Anonymous

What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.'

I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does. - Anonymous

I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.

My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one. - Anonymous

My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.

My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you after all.

My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you after all.

A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first. - Anonymous

A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first.

In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria. - Anonymous

In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria.

I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. - Anonymous

I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.

You can't have everything... where would you put it?

You can't have everything... where would you put it?

Steven Alexander Wright

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. - Anonymous

You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here.

The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well. - CoolFunnyQuotes.com

The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.

CoolFunnyQuotes.com

I don't mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years. - Anonymous

I don't mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years.

I didn't fall, I'm just spending some quality time with the floor. - Anonymous

I didn't fall, I'm just spending some quality time with the floor.

Short Quotes

Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning. - Anonymous

Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.

I'm the kind of crazy you weren't warned about because no one knew this level existed. - Anonymous

I'm the kind of crazy you weren't warned about because no one knew this level existed.

Life Quotes

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