I follow a rigorous exercise routine that I never get lazy about; fetching beer bottles from the fridge.
If you know how many cupcakes I'm holding behind my back I'll give you both of them.
Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.
Newspaper ad: Hiring clowns, must be serious.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria.
I am on a 20 day diet, so far I've lost 10 days.
Intelligence is chasing me, but I'm beating it so far.
I'll do the stupid thing first and then you shy people follow .
It's better to shut up and give the impression that you're stupid than to say something and erase all doubt.
Would you believe my neighbor was knocking on my door at 2:30AM this morning? Luckily, I was still up playing bagpipes.
Every morning I do 10 sit-ups, to hit the snooze button on my alarm clock.
If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That's the American way. - Homer Simpson
I'm looking to buy a new boomerang, how can I throw the old one out?
I'm not afraid of flying, I'm afraid of not flying.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
I lost control. Offering reward to anyone who finds it.
After many years of studying my Geography book I finally know by heart that Australia is on page 23.
It's so hot outside that I went to buy vegetables, and by the time I got home they turned into soup already.
Store front sign: Entire store on sale, everything $1 or more.
Whoever said great things come in small packages hasn't seen my big screen TV.
I started thinking about the dangers of drinking on new year's eve. After that, I decided to stop thinking.
If you can't find your better half, try finding your better two quarters.
Stop saying "B4" instead of "Before," you're ruining my Bingo game.
Due to current economic conditions the light
at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
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