Teacher: Why are you talking during my lesson? Student: Why are you teaching during my conversation?
Cats have 32 muscles in each ear, to help them ignore you.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
No, no, I'm listening, it just takes me some time to process so much stupidity all at once.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughters school concert.
It's easy to stop smoking. I stopped smoking today with no problems. I also stopped yesterday too, and the day before that.
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.
I didn't fall, I'm just spending some quality time with the floor.
Roses are red, my name is not Dave, this makes no sense, microwave.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
My cell phone is acting up, I keep pressing the home button but when I look around, I'm still at work.
What is the best thing to do when you have a hole in a boat and water is leaking inside? Make another hole to drain the water.
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.
I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
I'm the kind of crazy you weren't warned about because no one knew this level existed.
Did you know electronics need smoke to work? Once the smoke comes out of them, they stop working.
If you had to choose between eating tacos every day or being skinny for life would you choose hard or soft tacos?
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
I'm a ninja! No you're not. Did you see that? See what? Exactly!
When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it.
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