I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.
I'll do the stupid thing first and then you shy people follow .
He grabbed her hand and held it tightly, and she thought, "he loves me!" And he thought, "wow this sidewalk is icy!"
I just cleaned the house top to bottom, so now I'm gonna need everybody to stop living here.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
I'm looking to buy a new boomerang, how can I throw the old one out?
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
In grammar class the teacher asks her student: When you sing you say 'I sing' what do you say when your brother is singing? I say 'shut up you're a terrible singer'.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am..
What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.'
I'm not frowning, I'm just smiling upside down.
I wish that all of my enemies had three cars parked in front of their house. An ambulance, fire truck and police car.
My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine. Unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it's no longer available.
I didn't mean to gain weight, it just happened by snackcident.
Chocolate doesn't ask silly questions, chocolate understands.
Don't ask me anything, and I won't tell you any lies.
Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
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