Stupid Funny Quotes

I may not know Karate, but I know crazy and I'm not afraid to use it.

I lost control. Offering reward to anyone who finds it.

I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, I don't even know where sandwiches live.

My cell phone is acting up, I keep pressing the home button but when I look around, I'm still at work.

New year resolutions you can actually keep!
Skip more classes in school.
Call in sick at work more.
Go shopping more often.
Eat more unhealthy food like fries and burgers.
Drink more pop cans instead of freshly squeezing healthy fruits.
Do less exercise and watch more TV.

A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughters school concert.

I'm having people over to stare at their phones later, if you want to come by...

I'm not afraid of flying, I'm afraid of not flying.

Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence, after all intelligence has it's limits.

Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?'

Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.

Your legs must be tired because you have been running through my mind all night.

Whoever said great things come in small packages hasn't seen my big screen TV.