Stupid Funny Quotes

If you had to choose between eating tacos every day or being skinny for life would you choose hard or soft tacos?

I wish that all of my enemies had three cars parked in front of their house. An ambulance, fire truck and police car.

If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.

I'm going to open a new Facebook account named 'Anonymous' so all the cool quotes will be attributed to me!

I'm having people over to stare at their phones later, if you want to come by...

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.

My cell phone is acting up, I keep pressing the home button but when I look around, I'm still at work.

Would you believe my neighbor was knocking on my door at 2:30AM this morning? Luckily, I was still up playing bagpipes.

I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better.

Dance like nobody is watching, because they are not, they are all checking their phones.

I'm looking to buy a new boomerang, how can I throw the old one out?

If you can't find your better half, try finding your better two quarters.