Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you.
In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria.
It's easy to stop smoking. I stopped smoking today with no problems. I also stopped yesterday too, and the day before that.
Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
I want to be cuddled, but I also want to be left alone. Being crazy is hard.
Chocolate doesn't ask silly questions, chocolate understands.
I'll do the stupid thing first and then you shy people follow .
I would go out of my mind, but I can't find the exit.
It's better to shut up and give the impression that you're stupid than to say something and erase all doubt.
Why didn't Bruce Willis play the lead role in Titanic? He would have saved everyone.
I'm not afraid of flying, I'm afraid of not flying.
Newspaper ad: Hiring clowns, must be serious.
If you know how many cupcakes I'm holding behind my back I'll give you both of them.
I'm looking to buy a new boomerang, how can I throw the old one out?
Finally it's Friday and I can go out. I'm putting the garbage out and I'll be right back.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Stop saying "B4" instead of "Before," you're ruining my Bingo game.
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees
David Letterman
Would you believe my neighbor was knocking on my door at 2:30AM this morning? Luckily, I was still up playing bagpipes.
Why do you always see lightning first and hear the thunder later? Because your eyes are in front of your ears.
I don't understand what's bothering you honey, I bring you coffee in bed every morning, all you have to do is grind it.
I don't have the time or crayons to explain myself to you.
If you can't find your better half, try finding your better two quarters.
Cool Funny Quotes
