Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.
Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day.
Don't know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they'll show up quickly.
Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them they check their phone every minute.
My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people don't think I'm dead.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.
I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
If you keep annoying me, I'll give your phone number to all the kids and tell them it's Santa's hotline.
When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning," I sleep in until noon because I'm a problem solver.
I don't know how to act my age because I've never been this old before.
If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot.
I miss the days when you could just push someone in the swimming pool without worrying about their cell phone.
Some relationships are like Tom and Jerry, they argue and disagree all the time, but they still can't live without each other.
That moment when you dip your cookie in milk for too long and it breaks off, then you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
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