Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day.
My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people don't think I'm dead.
Two mysterious people live in my house. "Somebody" and "Nobody." Somebody did it and nobody knows who.
Be happy, it drives people crazy.
My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine. Unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it's no longer available.
Stop texting me in the middle of texting you... now I have to change my text.
I don't understand why judges get paid so much, others judge me for free.
I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
If lying was a job some people would be billionaires.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
All positions for annoying people in my life have been filled. Applicants need not apply, thank you.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?
That moment when you dip your cookie in milk for too long and it breaks off, then you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.
Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you.
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