An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.
Fart when someone hugs you, it makes them feel strong.
What I do when I see someone pretty is, I stare, I smile then when I get tired I put the mirror down.
It's better to shut up and give the impression that you're stupid than to say something and erase all doubt.
You know your driving is really terrible when your GPS says 'After 300 feet, stop and let me out!'
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.
I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.
Your mind needs exercise just as much as your body does, that's why I think of jogging every day.
No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.
If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.
What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.'
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is completely stupid.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.
Sometimes I'm grateful that thoughts don't appear as bubbles over our heads.
Alcohol, what's that? It's not in my vodkabulary, but let me check in whiskypedia.
If you had to choose between eating tacos every day or being skinny for life would you choose hard or soft tacos?
You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here.
I just cleaned the house top to bottom, so now I'm gonna need everybody to stop living here.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
I always help my wife out with housework such as washing the dishes and doing the laundry. She washes them, and I let them dry.
In grammar class the teacher asks her student: When you sing you say 'I sing' what do you say when your brother is singing? I say 'shut up you're a terrible singer'.
Cool Funny Quotes
CoolFunnyQuotes.com © 2020