Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Don't ask me anything, and I won't tell you any lies.
Your legs must be tired because you have been running through my mind all night.
Sometimes I'm grateful that thoughts don't appear as bubbles over our heads.
You laugh because I'm different........... I laugh cause I just farted!
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I always intended to pay for my sins, but I could never afford it.
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
Jack Handey
Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying!
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughters school concert.
A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
I put the "Pro" in procrastinate.
What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.'
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Douglas Adams
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, I don't even know where sandwiches live.
You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here.
The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'
