Don't disturb me, I am disturbed enough already.
I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.
I may not know Karate, but I know crazy and I'm not afraid to use it.
Your mind needs exercise just as much as your body does, that's why I think of jogging every day.
When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, no, you don't deserve to be hung up, think about what you've done.
Sometimes I'm grateful that thoughts don't appear as bubbles over our heads.
My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
I follow a rigorous exercise routine that I never get lazy about; fetching beer bottles from the fridge.
What I do when I see someone pretty is, I stare, I smile then when I get tired I put the mirror down.
I'm looking to buy a new boomerang, how can I throw the old one out?
I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.
Did you just fall? No, I was checking if gravity still works.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
In grammar class the teacher asks her student: When you sing you say 'I sing' what do you say when your brother is singing? I say 'shut up you're a terrible singer'.
Alcohol, what's that? It's not in my vodkabulary, but let me check in whiskypedia.
I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am..
I always help my wife out with housework such as washing the dishes and doing the laundry. She washes them, and I let them dry.
If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.
Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you.
Whoever said great things come in small packages hasn't seen my big screen TV.
Officer: I had a feeling I'd catch someone speeding here. Driver: I know, that's why I came as fast as I could!
What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.'
