I'm trying to think how I can think of what I want to think.
I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle.
When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Steven Alexander Wright
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.
A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you after all.
The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'
Did you just fall? No, I was checking if gravity still works.
I'll do the stupid thing first and then you shy people follow .
Would you believe my neighbor was knocking on my door at 2:30AM this morning? Luckily, I was still up playing bagpipes.
I would go out of my mind, but I can't find the exit.
How come iPhone chargers are not called apple juice?
The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.
If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.
You know your driving is really terrible when your GPS says 'After 300 feet, stop and let me out!'
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
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