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Original new funny quotes written by our very own writers at CoolFunnyQuotes.com.

I don't need a psychiatrist to prod into my personal life and make me tell them all my secrets, I have my friends for that. - CoolFunnyQuotes.com

I don't need a psychiatrist to prod into my personal life and make me tell them all my secrets, I have my friends for that. CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Friend Quotes Life Quotes

In grammar class the teacher asks her student 'When you sing you say 'I sing' what do you say when your brother is singing? I say 'shut up you're a terrible singer'.

In grammar class the teacher asks her student: When you sing you say 'I sing' what do you say when your brother is singing? I say 'shut up you're a terrible singer'. CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Stupid Quotes Top 100

Don't be stupid, it might make you famous. - CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Don't be stupid, it might make you famous. CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Famous Quotes Sayings Short Quotes

I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying!

I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying! CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Phone Short Quotes Stupid Quotes

The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well. - CoolFunnyQuotes.com

The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well. CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Drinking Funny Tree Quotes Stupid Quotes

I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making. - CoolFunnyQuotes.com

I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making. CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Short Quotes Stupid Quotes Witty Quotes

I live my life one weekend at time, for those two days nothing else matters, I am FREE.

I live my life one weekend at time, for those two days nothing else matters, I am FREE. CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Life Quotes Time Quotes

Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals. - CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals. CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Animals Cat Quotes Life Quotes

Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control.

Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Life Quotes Short Quotes TV Quotes

If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?

If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge? CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Animals Dog Quotes Think Quotes

Your bank account can be overdrawn, but it can never be overfilled. - CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Your bank account can be overdrawn, but it can never be overfilled. CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Money Quotes Never Quotes Sayings

I follow a rigorous exercise routine that I never get lazy about; fetching beer bottles from the fridge.

I follow a rigorous exercise routine that I never get lazy about; fetching beer bottles from the fridge. CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Beer Quotes Drinking Exercise Quotes

Whoever said great things come in small packages hasn't seen my big screen TV. - CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Whoever said great things come in small packages hasn't seen my big screen TV. CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Short Quotes Stupid Quotes TV Quotes

I always intended to pay for my sins, but I could never afford it. - CoolFunnyQuotes.com

I always intended to pay for my sins, but I could never afford it. CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Money Quotes Never Quotes Short Quotes

I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle!... He's dreaming too.

I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle!... He's dreaming too. CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Moments Money Quotes Short Quotes

When a couple is arguing over who loves who more, the one that gives up is the real winner.

When a couple is arguing over who loves who more, the one that gives up is the real winner. CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Love Quotes Marriage Quotes Top 100

The last thing that blew my mind was the wind. - CoolFunnyQuotes.com

The last thing that blew my mind was the wind. CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Short Quotes Stupid Quotes

I love my job only when I'm on vacation.

I love my job only when I'm on vacation. CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Lazy Quotes Love Quotes Sayings

What are the two magic words that you can always use to make a shark happy? "Man Overboard!" - CoolFunnyQuotes.com

What are the two magic words that you can always use to make a shark happy? "Man Overboard!" CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Animals Happy Quotes Man Quotes

Everyone wants your happiness. Don't let them take it!! - CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Everyone wants your happiness. Don't let them take it!! CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Happy Quotes Sayings Short Quotes

I think I'm starting to have a problem with my vision, ever since I got married I haven't seen any money through the entire house. - CoolFunnyQuotes.com

I think I'm starting to have a problem with my vision, ever since I got married I haven't seen any money through the entire house. CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Marriage Quotes Money Quotes Think Quotes

Whether you give a crap or don't give a crap, nobody wants crap anyway! CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Sayings Short Quotes Witty Quotes

Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you! CoolFunnyQuotes.com

Eat Quotes Lazy Quotes Short Quotes

The hardest part of trying to steal one sheep is stopping the rest of them from following.

The hardest part of trying to steal one sheep is stopping the rest of them from following. CoolFunnyQuotes.com