There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first.
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
If you had to choose between eating tacos every day or being skinny for life would you choose hard or soft tacos?
Did you just fall? No, I was checking if gravity still works.
Did you know electronics need smoke to work? Once the smoke comes out of them, they stop working.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Teacher: Why are you talking during my lesson? Student: Why are you teaching during my conversation?
I'm having people over to stare at their phones later, if you want to come by...
You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
You know the speed of light; so what is the speed of dark?
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...
Naked Gun (Movie)
How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
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