Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.
If Facebook has taught us anything it's that a lot of people aren't quite ready for a spelling bee.
My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people don't think I'm dead.
If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.
I love everyone! I love to be around some people, I love to stay away from others, and some I'd just love to punch right in the face!
I hate it when people text "Call me." I'm going to start calling people and as soon as they answer I'll say "text me," then hang up.
I only want one thing from fake people: distance.
I hate it when people see me at the supermarket and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know.. hunting elephants.'
I wonder, we lazy people go to heaven... or do they send someone to pick us up?
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day.
If you can't laugh at your own problems, call me and I'll laugh at them.
Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
For you, I would swim across the ocean. LOL, just kidding, there are sharks in there.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring so I go back to being myself.
There was a time when people said, 'Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.' Now they just say, 'Pay him!'
I don't mean to interrupt people, I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine. Unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it's no longer available.
Those who snore always fall asleep first.
I really want to be nice, but annoying people just won't let me.
Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter... people the opposite.
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