My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine. Unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it's no longer available.
I love everyone! I love to be around some people, I love to stay away from others, and some I'd just love to punch right in the face!
If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front.
When you're thinking that I'm thinking of you, I'm thinking you're thinking of me.
Be happy, it drives people crazy.
If Facebook has taught us anything it's that a lot of people aren't quite ready for a spelling bee.
Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.
That moment when you dip your cookie in milk for too long and it breaks off, then you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter... people the opposite.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day.
When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning," I sleep in until noon because I'm a problem solver.
Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number.
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
There are a 100 billions nerves in the human body, and there are people who have the ability to irritate all of them.
I know I'm a handful, but that's why you have two hands.
There's something missing in my life, I just don't know if it's a puppy, a person, or a slice of pizza.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket."
Stop texting me in the middle of texting you... now I have to change my text.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.
Those who snore always fall asleep first.
If someone says "Who are you gonna call?" and your instinct is to say "Ghostbusters" then I probably don't want to know you.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring so I go back to being myself.
Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you.
If lying was a job some people would be billionaires.
I'll do the stupid thing first and then you shy people follow .
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