I love everyone! I love to be around some people, I love to stay away from others, and some I'd just love to punch right in the face!
That moment when you dip your cookie in milk for too long and it breaks off, then you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter... people the opposite.
Be happy, it drives people crazy.
My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine. Unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it's no longer available.
Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front.
If Facebook has taught us anything it's that a lot of people aren't quite ready for a spelling bee.
When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning," I sleep in until noon because I'm a problem solver.
Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number.
Stop texting me in the middle of texting you... now I have to change my text.
There's something missing in my life, I just don't know if it's a puppy, a person, or a slice of pizza.
If someone says "Who are you gonna call?" and your instinct is to say "Ghostbusters" then I probably don't want to know you.
I know I'm a handful, but that's why you have two hands.
Those who snore always fall asleep first.
There are a 100 billions nerves in the human body, and there are people who have the ability to irritate all of them.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring so I go back to being myself.
I'll do the stupid thing first and then you shy people follow .
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.
Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket."
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
