Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
I'm going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, I'm outstanding.
I looked into my wallet and it was empty, I looked through all my pockets and they were all empty. Then I looked into my heart and I found you, and only then I figured out how rich I was.
People who can fall asleep quickly freak me out... I mean, don't they have thoughts?
If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front.
My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine. Unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it's no longer available.
When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning," I sleep in until noon because I'm a problem solver.
Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number.
When you're thinking that I'm thinking of you, I'm thinking you're thinking of me.
Be happy, it drives people crazy.
That moment when you dip your cookie in milk for too long and it breaks off, then you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter... people the opposite.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day.
There are a 100 billions nerves in the human body, and there are people who have the ability to irritate all of them.
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket."
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.
I know I'm a handful, but that's why you have two hands.
There's something missing in my life, I just don't know if it's a puppy, a person, or a slice of pizza.
Stop texting me in the middle of texting you... now I have to change my text.
Those who snore always fall asleep first.
If someone says "Who are you gonna call?" and your instinct is to say "Ghostbusters" then I probably don't want to know you.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring so I go back to being myself.
If lying was a job some people would be billionaires.
The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
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