I don't know how to act my age because I've never been this old before. Anonymous
All of us light up a room, some when they enter, others when they leave. Anonymous
The trick is to not let people know how weird you are until it's too late for them to back out. Anonymous
Dance like nobody is watching, because they are not, they are all checking their phones. Anonymous
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
I don't mean to interrupt people, I just randomly remember things and get really excited. Anonymous
There was a time when people said, 'Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.' Now they just say, 'Pay him!'
When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it.
Sharks are not so bad... If a stranger came into my house wearing only a bathing suit, I'd probably get angry too. Anonymous
Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you. Anonymous
Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying. Anonymous
When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half eaten sandwich.
Those who think they know it all are very annoying to those of us who actually do. Anonymous
A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say 'How to Build a Boat.' Steven Alexander Wright
What type of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly squats. Anonymous
I didn't mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. Anonymous
What great energy, intelligence, and magnificent beautiful eyes... But enough about me, how are you doing? Anonymous
When you're thinking that I'm thinking of you, I'm thinking you're thinking of me. Anonymous
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. Dave Barry
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