A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say 'How to Build a Boat.'
There was a time when people said, 'Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.' Now they just say, 'Pay him!'
I don't like morning people... or mornings, or people.
I only want one thing from fake people: distance.
Being angry is not necessarily bad, some the best things were invented by angry people. Lamborghini didn't produce a single car until Enzo Ferrari made him angry.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.
Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them they check their phone every minute.
I'm not weird, I'm just limited edition.
You can't please everyone, you're not a Nutella jar.
Always be yourself, unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn.
I didn't mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button.
What great energy, intelligence, and magnificent beautiful eyes... But enough about me, how are you doing?
Sharks are not so bad... If a stranger came into my house wearing only a bathing suit, I'd probably get angry too.
I miss the days when you could just push someone in the swimming pool without worrying about their cell phone.
An expert is a person who has made every possible mistake in a small field of study.
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
I don't care when people honk at me, but when geese do, I get out of the way!
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
Be kind to people, and if that's too much to ask for then just be weird to people. It's the least you can do.
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