A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say 'How to Build a Boat.'
There was a time when people said, 'Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.' Now they just say, 'Pay him!'
I don't like morning people... or mornings, or people.
Could you please be as silent as the G in lasagna?
I only want one thing from fake people: distance.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.
Being angry is not necessarily bad, some the best things were invented by angry people. Lamborghini didn't produce a single car until Enzo Ferrari made him angry.
Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them they check their phone every minute.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
I'm not weird, I'm just limited edition.
You can't please everyone, you're not a Nutella jar.
I didn't mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button.
Sharks are not so bad... If a stranger came into my house wearing only a bathing suit, I'd probably get angry too.
Always be yourself, unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn.
What great energy, intelligence, and magnificent beautiful eyes... But enough about me, how are you doing?
I miss the days when you could just push someone in the swimming pool without worrying about their cell phone.
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
An expert is a person who has made every possible mistake in a small field of study.
I don't care when people honk at me, but when geese do, I get out of the way!
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
Be kind to people, and if that's too much to ask for then just be weird to people. It's the least you can do.
I'm having people over to stare at their phones later, if you want to come by...
