If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
I'm not weird, I'm just limited edition.
I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable.
You can't please everyone, you're not a Nutella jar.
My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine. Unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it's no longer available.
Being angry is not necessarily bad, some the best things were invented by angry people. Lamborghini didn't produce a single car until Enzo Ferrari made him angry.
When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half eaten sandwich.
I'm not crazy, my unicorn just needs a tuneup.
When you're thinking that I'm thinking of you, I'm thinking you're thinking of me.
All of us light up a room, some when they enter, others when they leave.
Could you please be as silent as the G in lasagna?
I know I'm a handful, but that's why you have two hands.
What type of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly squats.
Always be yourself, unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn.
Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying.
An expert is a person who has made every possible mistake in a small field of study.
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
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