My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.
If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front.
If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.
Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.
I consider myself a crayon, I might not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture.
I just finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.
When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn't then go in through the window.
They say "don't try this at home" so I'm coming over to your house to try it.
I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them they check their phone every minute.
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
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