You know what part I like about waking up early? None.. let me go back to sleep.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
You know that moment when you get up in the morning, you're full of energy and you can't wait to get to work? Me neither!
How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Give me your photo so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas.
I feel the best when I am happy.
4 out 3 people struggle with math.
Some people aren't just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone.
If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?
That moment when there's a spider on you, and you suddenly turn into a black belt karate master.
To the guy who created imaginary numbers in Math: I hate you.
The most important four words for a successful marriage: 'I'll do the dishes.'
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a "No Bell" prize.
I love my six pack so much, I protect is with a layer of fat.
Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.
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