Top 100 Funny Quotes

I'm so glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's ready handy this parallelogram season.

Anonymous

I'm a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off multiple things at once.

Anonymous

Finally it's Friday and I can go out. I'm putting the garbage out and I'll be right back.

Anonymous

Never let anyone treat you like regular glue. You're glitter glue.

Anonymous

The trick is to not let people know how weird you are until it's too late for them to back out.

Anonymous

Isn't it funny how red white and blue represent freedom, unless they're flashing behind you?

Anonymous

Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.

Albert Einstein

Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

Anonymous

If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.

Anonymous

I made my Facebook name "Benefits," so when you add me now it says "you're friends with benefits."

Anonymous

What keys can't open locks? Monkeys, donkeys and turkeys.

Anonymous

Pleasing everyone, that's impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake!

Anonymous

If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible?

Anonymous

Want someone to stop texting you? Send back 'SERVICE ERROR 305: DELIVERY FAILED, FURTHER MESSAGES WILL BE CHARGED AT A RATE OF $1 PER MESSAGE TO YOUR ACCOUNT."

Anonymous

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.

Anonymous

Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.

Anonymous

Making food: 1 hour. Eating food: 20 seconds. Washing dishes: never ending.

Anonymous

Two mysterious people live in my house. "Somebody" and "Nobody." Somebody did it and nobody knows who.

Anonymous