When someone doesn't like something, it's often because they're not familiar with it, or they're too familiar with it.
I'm the kind of crazy you weren't warned about because no one knew this level existed.
Why can't cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.
Got a new phone today, my old one failed the swimming test.
If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.
When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half eaten sandwich.
I want to change my name on Facebook to "Nobody," so when I see someone posting something stupid I can Like their post and it will say "Nobody likes this."
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
Never play poker with the world's fastest animal, because he's a cheetah.
A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.
Retirement is when you stop living at work, and start working at living.
I always intended to pay for my sins, but I could never afford it.
Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
Best friends: they know how crazy you are but still choose to be seen in public with you.
Some friends are like the wind, some are like mountains. They come in and breeze out of your life, or they are there for a lifetime.
Everyone wants your happiness. Don't let them take it!!
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?
Modern intelligence: if all bathrooms in the house are taken, turn off the internet.
If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot.
I'm so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign, and we played tic-tac-top on top of it.
I know some people don't like me, but what can I do, not everyone has good taste.
I wish I was a kid again so everyone would be proud of me for taking a long nap.
I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.
