I'm the kind of crazy you weren't warned about because no one knew this level existed.
Why can't cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.
Got a new phone today, my old one failed the swimming test.
If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.
When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half eaten sandwich.
I want to change my name on Facebook to "Nobody," so when I see someone posting something stupid I can Like their post and it will say "Nobody likes this."
Never play poker with the world's fastest animal, because he's a cheetah.
Retirement is when you stop living at work, and start working at living.
I always intended to pay for my sins, but I could never afford it.
Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
Some friends are like the wind, some are like mountains. They come in and breeze out of your life, or they are there for a lifetime.
Everyone wants your happiness. Don't let them take it!!
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot.
I'm so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign, and we played tic-tac-top on top of it.
I know some people don't like me, but what can I do, not everyone has good taste.
I wish I was a kid again so everyone would be proud of me for taking a long nap.
An apple a day keeps anyone anyway, if you throw it hard enough.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
I put the "Pro" in procrastinate.
You and I are really more than friends. We're like a really small gang.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.'
Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote!
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