Top 100 Funny Quotes

My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people don't think I'm dead.

Anonymous

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.

Anonymous

Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.

Anonymous

Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.

Anonymous

Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.

Anonymous

A relationship without trust is like a cell phone with no service, all you can do is play games.

Anonymous

I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.

Anonymous

Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal.

Anonymous

That moment when there's a spider on you, and you suddenly turn into a black belt karate master.

Anonymous

As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.

Tom Goins

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared!

Anonymous

I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

Anonymous

My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again.

Anonymous

I hate mosquitoes. I mean, I know I am delicious, but I don't give out free samples.

Anonymous

I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

Anonymous

Some days I wish I had the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 3 year old.

Anonymous