I'm so glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's ready handy this parallelogram season.
I'm a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off multiple things at once.
Finally it's Friday and I can go out. I'm putting the garbage out and I'll be right back.
Never let anyone treat you like regular glue. You're glitter glue.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you are until it's too late for them to back out.
Isn't it funny how red white and blue represent freedom, unless they're flashing behind you?
Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.
Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.
If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.
I made my Facebook name "Benefits," so when you add me now it says "you're friends with benefits."
What keys can't open locks? Monkeys, donkeys and turkeys.
Pleasing everyone, that's impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake!
If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible?
Want someone to stop texting you? Send back 'SERVICE ERROR 305: DELIVERY FAILED, FURTHER MESSAGES WILL BE CHARGED AT A RATE OF $1 PER MESSAGE TO YOUR ACCOUNT."
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
Making food: 1 hour. Eating food: 20 seconds. Washing dishes: never ending.
Two mysterious people live in my house. "Somebody" and "Nobody." Somebody did it and nobody knows who.
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