I have been putting a lot of thought into it, and I just don't think being an adult is going to work for me.
I found the hotel with the most stars in the world. It has an open roof so you can see them all.
A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first.
Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.
P.D. East
How come iPhone chargers are not called apple juice?
There's something missing in my life, I just don't know if it's a puppy, a person, or a slice of pizza.
If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.
Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them?
You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."
I've made it from the bed to the couch. There's no stopping me now.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have thick fingers.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it.
I just finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.
Just because I'm awake doesn't mean I'm ready to do things.
I did a push-up today. Well actually I fell down, but I had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough.
My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you after all.
Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.
Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird. Be whatever, because life is too short to be anything but happy.
I just cleaned the house top to bottom, so now I'm gonna need everybody to stop living here.
I love my computer because all my friends live inside it!
I'm not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
Whenever I'm sad, you're there. Whenever I have problems, you're there. Whenever I lose control, you're there. Let's face it, you are bad luck.
I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.
Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number.
Your idea is completely terrible... so what time shall we do it?
