Top 100 Funny Quotes

I don't think inside the box and I don't think outside the box... I don't even know where the box is.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.

Life isn't measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the number of moments that take your breath away.

My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people don't think I'm dead.

Did you just fall? No, I was checking if gravity still works.

What I do when I see someone pretty is, I stare, I smile then when I get tired I put the mirror down.

My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you after all.

No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.

Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.

That moment when there's a spider on you, and you suddenly turn into a black belt karate master.

I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I'm the kind of crazy you weren't warned about because no one knew this level existed.

When nothing is going right, go left.

Side by side or miles apart real friends are always close to the heart.

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.

I'll call it a smartphone when I yell "Where's my phone?" and it yells back "Down here in the couch cushions!"

If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much.

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible?

Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

In the morning I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the evening I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the night I can't sleep.. I'm so hungry!

4 out 3 people struggle with math.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.