When someone doesn't like something, it's often because they're not familiar with it, or they're too familiar with it.
I'm the kind of crazy you weren't warned about because no one knew this level existed.
Why can't cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.
Got a new phone today, my old one failed the swimming test.
If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half eaten sandwich.
I want to change my name on Facebook to "Nobody," so when I see someone posting something stupid I can Like their post and it will say "Nobody likes this."
You never realize what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper is a good example.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Best friends: they know how crazy you are but still choose to be seen in public with you.
Never play poker with the world's fastest animal, because he's a cheetah.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals.
A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.
Retirement is when you stop living at work, and start working at living.
I always intended to pay for my sins, but I could never afford it.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning", because if it was a good morning, I'd still be asleep.
Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
Some friends are like the wind, some are like mountains. They come in and breeze out of your life, or they are there for a lifetime.
If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?
Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird. Be whatever, because life is too short to be anything but happy.
Everyone wants your happiness. Don't let them take it!!
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