My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again.
How can you make sure you never miss your target? Shoot first, and whatever you hit, call it the target.
You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
There's nothing better than a good friend, except for a good friend with chocolate.
All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.
Yesterday I did nothing and today I'm finishing what I did yesterday.
The road to success is always under construction.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.
If you have crazy friends you have everything you'll ever need.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
We are going to be best friends forever... besides you already know too much.
Dear life, when I said "can this day get any worse" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
I'm not lazy, I'm just very relaxed.
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