People say I act like I don't care. It's not an act.
I was thinking of getting a German Shepherd once, but I didn't want to learn another language just to have a dog.
If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.
I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.
Why did Adele cross the road? To say 'Hello' from the other side.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
My decision making skills are as good as a squirrel that's crossing the street.
I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad!
Camping: When you spend a small fortune to live like somebody poor.
So it turns out that being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.
Did you know electronics need smoke to work? Once the smoke comes out of them, they stop working.
I only have one wish in life... For all my dreams to come true.
When someone doesn't like something, it's often because they're not familiar with it, or they're too familiar with it.
Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.
Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?'
Never forget those who helped you along the way... Google, Wikipedia and Dictionary.
I'm the kind of crazy you weren't warned about because no one knew this level existed.
You wanna know who I'm in love with? Read the first word again.
Why can't cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.
Got a new phone today, my old one failed the swimming test.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half eaten sandwich.
I want to change my name on Facebook to "Nobody," so when I see someone posting something stupid I can Like their post and it will say "Nobody likes this."
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