It's really complicated to make something simple, but very simple to make something something complicated.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
He who laughs last didn't get it.
I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad!
Dear Santa, this year I'd like a fat bank account, and a thin body... please don't confuse the two like you did last time.
A relationship without trust is like a cell phone with no service, all you can do is play games.
Smile today, tomorrow could be worse.
The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
I'm a Victoria's Secret model. It's such a secret, not even Victoria knows.
To the guy who created imaginary numbers in Math: I hate you.
Listen, smile, agree.. Then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.
If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.
I changed my password everywhere to 'incorrect.' That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, 'Your password is incorrect.'
I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
What do I do for a living? I breathe in and out.
The best part of going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
I hate when people ask me what I'm doing tomorrow, I don't even know what I'm doing today.
When a couple is arguing over who loves who more, the one that gives up is the real winner.
Fart when someone hugs you, it makes them feel strong.
You don't know something? Google it. You don't know someone? Facebook it. You don't know where something is? MOM!
When you wake up at 6 in the morning, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's already 6:45. When you're at work and it's 2:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's 2:31.
What animal can jump higher than a house? Any animal that can jump at all, because houses can't jump.
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