Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else?
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
Me sarcastic? Never.
Never ask a starfish for directions.
You come into the world with nothing, and the purpose of your life is to make something out of nothing.
Henry Louis Mencken
Alcohol kills brain cells slowly, but that never bothered me because I'm not in a hurry.
My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I'm still at work.
I haven't even gone to bed yet and I already can't wait to get home from work tomorrow.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.
All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.
My best friends are like fairy tales, they've been there since once upon a time and will be there until forever after.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.
Some days, you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue, just live with it.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
The secret to happiness is not to do what makes you happy, it's to be happy doing what you're already doing.
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