I don't think inside the box and I don't think outside the box... I don't even know where the box is.
Long time ago I used to have a life, until someone told me to create a Facebook account.
If you can't find your better half, try finding your better two quarters.
I know I'm a handful, but that's why you have two hands.
A joke is a very serious thing.
Sleeping on my keyboard. If I answer, I'm talking in my sleep.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
I made my Facebook name "Benefits," so when you add me now it says "you're friends with benefits."
I'm just going to flip this omelette... Okay, we're having scrambled eggs.
Since there is only one of me, does that make me limited edition?
Dear humans, in case you forgot, I used to be your Internet. Sincerely, The Library.
I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, I don't even know where sandwiches live.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
You know the potholes on a road are bad when they assign lifeguards to them, in case anybody falls inside.
How was the dog's day? Ruff.
Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Thursday.
Living on earth may be tough, but it includes a free ride around the sun every year.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
I'll call it a smartphone when I yell "Where's my phone?" and it yells back "Down here in the couch cushions!"
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
Why do dentists use more anesthetic for longer procedures? So you won't be able to run away when it's time to pay the bill.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible?
The best revenge is massive success.
I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying!
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