Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Never ask a starfish for directions.
When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to tell you.
I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying!
Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears. Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain. Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile. But when you fart just one time...
I don't think inside the box and I don't think outside the box... I don't even know where the box is.
It's really complicated to make something simple, but very simple to make something something complicated.
I started thinking about the dangers of drinking on new year's eve. After that, I decided to stop thinking.
Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.
Why is the sky blue? Sure there is an explanation, but lets just be thankful it's not red!
I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle!... He's dreaming too.
If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?
What do I do for a living? I breathe in and out.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
I just finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.
You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here.
When I was small I thought money and fame brought all the happiness in the world. Now that I'm grown up, I know I was right.
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a "No Bell" prize.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
Want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it.
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