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Whenever I'm sad, you're there. Whenever I have problems, you're there. Whenever I lose control, you're there. Let's face it, you are bad luck. - Anonymous

Whenever I'm sad, you're there. Whenever I have problems, you're there. Whenever I lose control, you're there. Let's face it, you are bad luck.

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I was told to check my attitude. I did, and it's still there.. it hasn't gone anywhere. What's the problem? - Anonymous

I was told to check my attitude. I did, and it's still there.. it hasn't gone anywhere. What's the problem?

Anonymous

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I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

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I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

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It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

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Whether you give a crap or don't give a crap, nobody wants crap anyway!

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I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making. - CoolFunnyQuotes.com

I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.

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The broccoli says....

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

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My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. - Eric Morecambe

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

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A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.

A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.

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Happiness: The emotion that puts your face in motion. Fear: The emotion that puts your legs in motion.

Happiness: The emotion that puts your face in motion. Fear: The emotion that puts your legs in motion. Anger: The emotion that puts your fist in motion. Lesson: Don't be afraid or angry and you won't have to run and fight.

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Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote! - Anonymous

Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote!

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If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much.

If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much.

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Prescribed laughter

My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine. Unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it's no longer available.

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My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one. - Anonymous

My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.

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I lost control. Offering reward to anyone who finds it.

I lost control. Offering reward to anyone who finds it.

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My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.

My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.

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Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place... the fridge. - Anonymous

Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place... the fridge.

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I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable. - Anonymous

I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable.

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I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.

I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.

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My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty. - Anonymous

My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty.

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