Interviewer: So tell me about yourself. Me: I'd rather not.. I kinda want this job.
If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!
Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them they check their phone every minute.
I put the "Pro" in procrastinate.
I don't work on weekends, or any other day that ends with "Y".
How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
I made my Facebook name "Benefits," so when you add me now it says "you're friends with benefits."
There's life without Facebook and Internet? Really? Send me the link.
That awkward shopping moment when someone is standing in front of the items you need and you pretend you're shopping for something else because they just won't budge.
Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them?
It's funny how nobody notices all the good things you do until you don't do them.
When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day.
I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, and then wake up beautiful.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.
How can you make sure you never miss your target? Shoot first, and whatever you hit, call it the target.
I look at the moon and it looks really beautiful!.. Then I look at you... and.. I think I'll look at the moon again?!
Facebook needs three buttons, "Like", "Dislike" and "Stop being stupid."
In grammar class the teacher asks her student: When you sing you say 'I sing' what do you say when your brother is singing? I say 'shut up you're a terrible singer'.
If what you've done is stupid but it works, then it really isn't that stupid at all.
David Letterman
I'm not lazy, I'm just very relaxed.
It may look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head I'm quite busy.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
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