Best friends: they know how crazy you are but still choose to be seen in public with you.
The best advise I have for all my teachers during a test is to pass the test out as fast as possible before I forget everything.
Never play poker with the world's fastest animal, because he's a cheetah.
Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.
Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals.
A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.
If you have crazy friends you have everything you'll ever need.
Retirement is when you stop living at work, and start working at living.
I always intended to pay for my sins, but I could never afford it.
Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Some friends are like the wind, some are like mountains. They come in and breeze out of your life, or they are there for a lifetime.
If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning", because if it was a good morning, I'd still be asleep.
Everyone wants your happiness. Don't let them take it!!
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
Rita Rudner
It's so hot outside that I went to buy vegetables, and by the time I got home they turned into soup already.
Modern intelligence: if all bathrooms in the house are taken, turn off the internet.
If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot.
I'm so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign, and we played tic-tac-top on top of it.
My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people don't think I'm dead.
I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.
I know some people don't like me, but what can I do, not everyone has good taste.
I wish I was a kid again so everyone would be proud of me for taking a long nap.
