How can you make sure you never miss your target? Shoot first, and whatever you hit, call it the target.
I'm so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign, and we played tic-tac-top on top of it.
What are the two magic words that you can always use to make a shark happy? "Man Overboard!"
I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, I don't even know where sandwiches live.
It was me, I let the dogs out.
My decision making skills are as good as a squirrel that's crossing the street.
Don't judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
What keys can't open locks? Monkeys, donkeys and turkeys.
Most of us don't realize it, but we're all part of something much bigger than ourselves, and we're all connected in some way, not just through Facebook.
That awkward shopping moment when someone is standing in front of the items you need and you pretend you're shopping for something else because they just won't budge.
That awkward moment when you've said "What?" three times, so you just say "Oh, yeah.." even though you have no idea what they said.
My daily routine. Morning: Feeling tired, cranky and lazy. Afternoon: I could go for a nap. Night: I can't sleep.
Don't blame the holidays, you were already overweight in August.
If a philosopher answers your question, you will no longer understand what you asked in the first place.
I don't mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years.
A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.
I think something's missing in my life... Like... 2-3 million dollars.
What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.'
I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Your mind needs exercise just as much as your body does, that's why I think of jogging every day.
What is the best thing to do when you have a hole in a boat and water is leaking inside? Make another hole to drain the water.
When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half eaten sandwich.
My bed wasn't feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it.
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