Top 100 Funny Quotes

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Dear automatic flushing toilet... I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't done yet. - Anonymous

Dear automatic flushing toilet... I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't done yet. Anonymous

I hate it when people see me at the supermarket and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know.. hunting elephants.'

I hate it when people see me at the supermarket and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know.. hunting elephants.' Anonymous

Know Quotes Moments People Quotes

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it. Anonymous

Eat Quotes Sayings Short Quotes

No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.

No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid. Anonymous

Never Quotes Sayings Stupid Quotes

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. - Anonymous

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. Anonymous

Friend Quotes Short Quotes

Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face! - Anonymous

Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face! Anonymous

Love Quotes Marriage Quotes People Quotes

Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them they check their phone every minute. - Anonymous

Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them they check their phone every minute. Anonymous

Never Quotes People Quotes Phone

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? - Anonymous

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? Anonymous

Questions Short Quotes Sleep Quotes

Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it. - Anonymous

Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it. Anonymous

Never Quotes Sayings Short Quotes

Life doesn't have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.

Life doesn't have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. Anonymous

Life Quotes Short Quotes

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. Mark Twain

Drinking Eat Quotes Famous Quotes

That moment when there's a spider on you, and you suddenly turn into a black belt karate master. - Anonymous

That moment when there's a spider on you, and you suddenly turn into a black belt karate master. Anonymous

Whenever I'm sad, you're there. Whenever I have problems, you're there. Whenever I lose control, you're there. Let's face it, you are bad luck. - Anonymous

Whenever I'm sad, you're there. Whenever I have problems, you're there. Whenever I lose control, you're there. Let's face it, you are bad luck. Anonymous

A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.

A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open. Frank Zappa

Sayings Short Quotes

Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going. - Anonymous

Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going. Anonymous

Questions Short Quotes Stupid Quotes

Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers. - Anonymous

Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers. Anonymous

I thought about losing weight once, but I don't like losing. - Anonymous

I thought about losing weight once, but I don't like losing. Anonymous

Eat Quotes Short Quotes Statements

Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information, like when you're cold, you should go to a corner since it's 90 degrees there. - Anonymous

Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information, like when you're cold, you should go to a corner since it's 90 degrees there. Anonymous

Life Quotes Math Quotes Witty Quotes

Don't know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they'll show up quickly.

Don't know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they'll show up quickly. Anonymous

just once I'd like to read a medication label that says: Warning, may cause permanent weight loss, increased energy and wrinkle removal. - Anonymous

just once I'd like to read a medication label that says: Warning, may cause permanent weight loss, increased energy and wrinkle removal. Anonymous

The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs...

The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist. Anonymous

Drinking Man Quotes Sayings

If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. - Anonymous

If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. Anonymous

Sayings Short Quotes Wise Quotes

I made my Facebook name "Benefits," so when you add me now it says "you're friends with benefits." - Anonymous

I made my Facebook name "Benefits," so when you add me now it says "you're friends with benefits." Anonymous

Facebook Friend Quotes

I was thinking of getting a German Shepherd once, but I didn't want to learn another language just to have a dog.

I was thinking of getting a German Shepherd once, but I didn't want to learn another language just to have a dog. Anonymous

Animals Dog Quotes Think Quotes

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