I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.
Friends are like rainbows, always there to cheer you up after a storm.
I'd like to live like a poor man - only with lots of money.
How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
That moment when there's a spider on you, and you suddenly turn into a black belt karate master.
I'm going to open a new Facebook account named 'Anonymous' so all the cool quotes will be attributed to me!
You can teach a cat to do anything that it wants to do.
I feel the best when I am happy.
I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
Fart when someone hugs you, it makes them feel strong.
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
God please give me patience, if you give me strength I will just punch them in the face.
Friends are like walls, sometimes you lean on them and sometimes it's good just knowing they're there.
A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.
I followed a diet but it didn't follow me back, so I unfollowed it.
You're born free, then you're taxed to death.
He who laughs last didn't get it.
Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
I'm not frowning, I'm just smiling upside down.
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