Top 100 Funny Quotes

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

Friends are like rainbows, always there to cheer you up after a storm.

I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.

Modern intelligence: if all bathrooms in the house are taken, turn off the internet.

Life doesn't have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.

You wanna know who I'm in love with? Read the first word again.

Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals.

I made my Facebook name "Benefits," so when you add me now it says "you're friends with benefits."

Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.

My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people don't think I'm dead.

I'm not lazy, I'm just very relaxed.

That awkward moment you can't understand what somebody is saying after they have repeated it about five times.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.