True friends don't judge each other, they judge other people... together.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.'
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
I'm gonna order a pizza 5 minutes before the new year, then when it arrives I'll say I ordered this last year.
Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote!
If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.
You're born free, then you're taxed to death.
I get tired from just thinking of everything I have to do.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
I'm a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable.
I believe there should be a better way to start each day... instead of waking up every morning.
Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird. Be whatever, because life is too short to be anything but happy.
It's almost bed time, so I'll just check my e-mail, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and watch a season of my favorite show on Netflix real quick.
In grammar class the teacher asks her student: When you sing you say 'I sing' what do you say when your brother is singing? I say 'shut up you're a terrible singer'.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Don't mess with me, I know Karate, Judo, Jujitsu, Kung Fu and 20 other dangerous words.
I'm not frowning, I'm just smiling upside down.
How do I like my eggs? In a cake.
I thought about losing weight once, but I don't like losing.
That moment when you dip your cookie in milk for too long and it breaks off, then you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, I don't even know where sandwiches live.
My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour.
