If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
I'm not frowning, I'm just smiling upside down.
How do I like my eggs? In a cake.
A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.
My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour.
I'm stuck between "I need to save money" and "You only live once."
I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.
Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up.
I don't mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years.
I don't understand why judges get paid so much, others judge me for free.
If you have crazy friends you have everything you'll ever need.
Everyone wants your best! Don't let them take it away from you.
Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?'
Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird. Be whatever, because life is too short to be anything but happy.
Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.
After a while, I eventually fell in love and there was nobody to pick me up.
Did you know electronics need smoke to work? Once the smoke comes out of them, they stop working.
Just because I'm awake doesn't mean I'm ready to do things.
You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."
I did a push-up today. Well actually I fell down, but I had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough.
Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote!
I'll call it a smartphone when I yell "Where's my phone?" and it yells back "Down here in the couch cushions!"
It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
CoolFunnyQuotes.com © 2019