I wish I was a kid again so everyone would be proud of me for taking a long nap.
Long time ago I used to have a life, until someone told me to create a Facebook account.
If you can't find your better half, try finding your better two quarters.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
A joke is a very serious thing.
Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it's only Thursday.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible?
The best revenge is massive success.
I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, and then wake up beautiful.
I put the "Pro" in procrastinate.
You and I are really more than friends. We're like a really small gang.
True friends don't judge each other, they judge other people... together.
All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza.
A true friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg, even though they know you're slightly cracked.
Did you ever notice, whenever you need your keys the most, that's when they're the hardest to find?
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.'
It was me, I let the dogs out.
That's the secret to life... replace one worry with another....
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
Spilling hot coffee on your lap wakes you up faster than drinking it.
Chocolate doesn't ask silly questions, chocolate understands.
Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird. Be whatever, because life is too short to be anything but happy.
Two mice are eating a movie film roll at a cinema when one says to the other: this movie is good, but the book was better!
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
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