Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.
Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird. Be whatever, because life is too short to be anything but happy.
Everyone wants your happiness. Don't let them take it!!
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
I'm like Pacman when I'm at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.
Modern intelligence: if all bathrooms in the house are taken, turn off the internet.
If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot.
I'm so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign, and we played tic-tac-top on top of it.
I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.
Stop destroying the Earth, it's where I keep all my stuff.
I know some people don't like me, but what can I do, not everyone has good taste.
I wish I was a kid again so everyone would be proud of me for taking a long nap.
I'm not crazy, my unicorn just needs a tuneup.
Long time ago I used to have a life, until someone told me to create a Facebook account.
I'm just going to flip this omelette... Okay, we're having scrambled eggs.
If you can't find your better half, try finding your better two quarters.
I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad!
A joke is a very serious thing.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
I made my Facebook name "Benefits," so when you add me now it says "you're friends with benefits."
On Mercury a day lasts 1,408 hours. Just like every Monday does on Earth.
Living on earth may be tough, but it includes a free ride around the sun every year.
My grandpa's car is so old; when he parked in front of a museum, they towed his car inside the museum.
Dear humans, in case you forgot, I used to be your Internet. Sincerely, The Library.
I know my limits. I don't always obey them, but I know them.
