Last night the Internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
I was thinking of getting a German Shepherd once, but I didn't want to learn another language just to have a dog.
If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.
In a room full of art, I'd still stare at you.
The alphabet begins with ABC, numbers begin with 123, music begins with do-re-mi, and friendship begins with you and me.
I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.
After a while, I eventually fell in love and there was nobody to pick me up.
Why did Adele cross the road? To say 'Hello' from the other side.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad!
So it turns out that being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.
I only have one wish in life... For all my dreams to come true.
When someone doesn't like something, it's often because they're not familiar with it, or they're too familiar with it.
If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.
Never forget those who helped you along the way... Google, Wikipedia and Dictionary.
Most of us don't realize it, but we're all part of something much bigger than ourselves, and we're all connected in some way, not just through Facebook.
I'm the kind of crazy you weren't warned about because no one knew this level existed.
I think something's missing in my life... Like... 2-3 million dollars.
Did you know electronics need smoke to work? Once the smoke comes out of them, they stop working.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Why can't cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.
Got a new phone today, my old one failed the swimming test.
If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half eaten sandwich.
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