Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
I hope we're good friends until we die, then I hope we can stay ghost friends, walk through walls and scare people.
I love making friends. I usually prefer to make them out of plaster and give them funny looking hats.
Sleeping is hard in the summer because the blankets are too warm, but without them I am vulnerable to monsters.
A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
Alcohol, what's that? It's not in my vodkabulary, but let me check in whiskypedia.
Last night the Internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
In a room full of art, I'd still stare at you.
The alphabet begins with ABC, numbers begin with 123, music begins with do-re-mi, and friendship begins with you and me.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Laughing is one of the best exercises, it's like running inside your mind. You can do it almost anywhere and it's even better with a friend.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Don't be stupid, it might make you famous.
Most of us don't realize it, but we're all part of something much bigger than ourselves, and we're all connected in some way, not just through Facebook.
I think something's missing in my life... Like... 2-3 million dollars.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
I don't know what's tighter, our jeans or our friendship.
If you can't laugh at your own problems, call me and I'll laugh at them.
I changed my password everywhere to 'incorrect.' That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, 'Your password is incorrect.'
Listen, smile, agree.. Then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.
Life's biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I don't want to get out of bed.
You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared!
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
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