Listen, smile, agree.. Then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.
Life's biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I don't want to get out of bed.
I have been putting a lot of thought into it, and I just don't think being an adult is going to work for me.
A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first.
How come iPhone chargers are not called apple juice?
I've made it from the bed to the couch. There's no stopping me now.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it.
I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.
Your idea is completely terrible... so what time shall we do it?
If Facebook has taught us anything it's that a lot of people aren't quite ready for a spelling bee.
Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears. Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain. Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile. But when you fart just one time...
I love ordering things online because when they arrive it's like a present from me to me.
In Math class we learned more about algebra today, such as X+10=Y should I care?
I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we're having cake.
The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'
Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along.
Sometimes I'm grateful that thoughts don't appear as bubbles over our heads.
An adult is a person who no longer grows in height, but instead grows in length and width.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
People say I act like I don't care. It's not an act.
I was thinking of getting a German Shepherd once, but I didn't want to learn another language just to have a dog.
If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.
Why did Adele cross the road? To say 'Hello' from the other side.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
So it turns out that being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.
