Top 100 Funny Quotes

Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

Anonymous

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.

Anonymous

You don't know something? Google it. You don't know someone? Facebook it. You don't know where something is? MOM!

Anonymous

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

Anonymous

I was told to check my attitude. I did, and it's still there.. it hasn't gone anywhere. What's the problem?

Anonymous

That awkward moment when you've said "What?" three times, so you just say "Oh, yeah.." even though you have no idea what they said.

Anonymous

We're all mature, until someone pulls out some bubble wrap.

Anonymous

You wanna know who I'm in love with? Read the first word again.

Anonymous

I hate when I go to the kitchen looking for food, and I find is ingredients.

Anonymous

I can't sleep good when I know the food is feeling cold in the fridge.

Anonymous

I always give 100% at work! 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday. Welcome back weekend.

Anonymous

Roses are red, my name is not Dave, this makes no sense, microwave.

Anonymous

As your best friend I'll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.

Anonymous

I wish the homes of all my friends were connected to mine by secret underground tunnels.

Anonymous

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

I'm not being smart, I'm just a skilled trained professional in pointing out the obvious.

Anonymous

If I say "First of all," run away, because I have prepared research, data, charts and I will totally prove you wrong.

Anonymous

How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Anonymous