Top 100 Funny Quotes

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.

Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.

You never realize what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper is a good example.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

I hate it when people see me at the supermarket and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know.. hunting elephants.'

What is the best thing to do when you have a hole in a boat and water is leaking inside? Make another hole to drain the water.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird. Be whatever, because life is too short to be anything but happy.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.

Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.

I want to change my name on Facebook to "Nobody," so when I see someone posting something stupid I can Like their post and it will say "Nobody likes this."

No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.

When you wake up at 6 in the morning, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's already 6:45. When you're at work and it's 2:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's 2:31.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.