Top 100 Funny Quotes

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Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. -Albert Einstein

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. Albert Einstein

Famous Quotes Love Quotes Man Quotes

You don't have to be crazy to hang out with me... I'll train you. - Anonymous

You don't have to be crazy to hang out with me... I'll train you. Anonymous

Friend Quotes Short Quotes

If you can't laugh at your own problems, call me and I'll laugh at them. - Anonymous

If you can't laugh at your own problems, call me and I'll laugh at them. Anonymous

Life Quotes People Quotes Phone

A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.

A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open. Frank Zappa

Sayings Short Quotes

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

Ronnie Shakes

Know Quotes Short Quotes Witty Quotes

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car. - Anonymous

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car. Anonymous

Analogies Sleep Quotes

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it. - Anonymous

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it. Anonymous

The road to success is always under construction.

The road to success is always under construction. Lily Tomlin

Sayings Short Quotes

Life isn't measured by the number of breaths you take.

Life isn't measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the number of moments that take your breath away. Anonymous

Life Quotes Moments

What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.' - Anonymous

What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.' Anonymous

Animals Phone Stupid Quotes

Facebook anonymous

I'm going to open a new Facebook account named 'Anonymous' so all the cool quotes will be attributed to me!

Clinton Thomas

Facebook Stupid Quotes

Funny drinking quote - 24 hours day beer

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? Steven Alexander Wright

Beer Quotes Drinking Questions

I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad! - Anonymous

I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad! Anonymous

Questions Sayings Short Quotes

There's something missing in my life, I just don't know if it's a puppy, a person, or a slice of pizza. - Anonymous

There's something missing in my life, I just don't know if it's a puppy, a person, or a slice of pizza. Anonymous

Know Quotes Life Quotes People Quotes

The surest sign that there's intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, is that it has never contacted us. - Bill Waterson

The surest sign that there's intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, is that it has never contacted us.

Bill Waterson

Don't drink to forget me, you'll end up seeing me double. - Anonymous

Don't drink to forget me, you'll end up seeing me double. Anonymous

Beer Quotes Drinking Short Quotes

If you love a friend, let them go. If they come back with coffee, it was meant to be. - Anonymous

If you love a friend, let them go. If they come back with coffee, it was meant to be. Anonymous

Friend Quotes Love Quotes

I consider myself a crayon, I might not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture.

I consider myself a crayon, I might not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture.

Savannah Highnote

Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. - Anonymous

Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. Anonymous

Sayings Short Quotes Statements

It's almost bed time, so I'll just check my e-mail, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and watch a season of my favorite show on Netflix real quick. - Anonymous

It's almost bed time, so I'll just check my e-mail, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and watch a season of my favorite show on Netflix real quick. Anonymous

Facebook TV Quotes Time Quotes

I'm old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.

I'm old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. Anonymous

Know Quotes Life Quotes Short Quotes

Cheer myself up.

I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems. Anonymous

Moments Time Quotes

My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. - Anonymous

My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. Anonymous

Friend Quotes Short Quotes

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Robert Bloch

Man Quotes Sayings Short Quotes

Displayed 193-216 of 400 quotes.