Top 100 Funny Quotes

I feel the best when I am happy.

Mom: Why is everything on the floor? Me: Gravity, mom.

You know what part I like about waking up early? None.. let me go back to sleep.

Beginner pilot rules:

1. The propeller is just a big fan made to cool down the pilot in the cockpit. When it stops, you can see the pilot start sweating excessively.
2. You don't have to take off, but landing is mandatory.
3. Pushing forward on the flight stick makes the earth look bigger, pulling makes it look smaller.
If you pull too much or too long however, it will look bigger yet again.
4. Flying is safe as long as you don't crash.
5. It's better to wish you were flying than to wish you were on the ground.
6. A good landing is a landing in which everyone walks away.
7. Besides affecting apples, gravity also affects planes.

You come into the world with nothing, and the purpose of your life is to make something out of nothing.

You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

You know that moment when you get up in the morning, you're full of energy and you can't wait to get to work? Me neither!

Santa saw your Facebook posts. This year you're getting a dictionary.

Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter... people the opposite.

The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it's having the phone number of somebody who does!

If a philosopher answers your question, you will no longer understand what you asked in the first place.

A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.

I don't understand people who say "I don't know how to thank you." Like they never heard of money.

I'm not a morning person. I'm not even an afternoon person. I pretty much start functioning after 6pm.

You don't have to be crazy to hang out with me... I'll train you.

When you fall, I will be there to catch you - With love, the floor.

Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.

Yes officer I saw the speed limit, I just didn't see your car.

I hope we're good friends until we die, then I hope we can stay ghost friends, walk through walls and scare people.

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

I've made it from the bed to the couch. There's no stopping me now.