Top 100 Funny Quotes

Mom: Why is everything on the floor? Me: Gravity, mom.

Did you know electronics need smoke to work? Once the smoke comes out of them, they stop working.

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.

I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.

I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Stop destroying the Earth, it's where I keep all my stuff.

All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.

Fart when someone hugs you, it makes them feel strong.

If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible?

Friends are like walls, sometimes you lean on them and sometimes it's good just knowing they're there.

Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.