Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
You have Facebook? Yup. You have Whatsapp? Yup. You have love? Forgot to install it.
All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza.
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I'm old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.
The hardest thing to find in life is happiness - money is only hard to find because it gets wasted trying to find happiness.
Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.
Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious.
Alcohol, what's that? It's not in my vodkabulary, but let me check in whiskypedia.
As your best friend I'll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.
My wife told me the other day that I don't take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station.
I'm in desperate need of a 6 month vacation... twice a year.
I know some people don't like me, but what can I do, not everyone has good taste.
I'm going to open a new Facebook account named 'Anonymous' so all the cool quotes will be attributed to me!
I believe there should be a better way to start each day... instead of waking up every morning.
On Mercury a day lasts 1,408 hours. Just like every Monday does on Earth.
Long time ago I used to have a life, until someone told me to create a Facebook account.
I'm not frowning, I'm just smiling upside down.
It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up the stairs and trip over nothing. I have those skills.
Whenever I'm sad, you're there. Whenever I have problems, you're there. Whenever I lose control, you're there. Let's face it, you are bad luck.
Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.
I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, I don't even know where sandwiches live.
Last night the Internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
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