Top 100 Funny Quotes

I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.

Frank Zappa

You have Facebook? Yup. You have Whatsapp? Yup. You have love? Forgot to install it.

Anonymous

Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.

Anonymous

Want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it.

Anonymous

I just finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.

Anonymous

What's best way to build upper arm strength? Take lots of selfies.

Anonymous

What did my doctor tell me when I rushed into his office and told him I have 40 seconds to live? Hold on a minute!

Anonymous

Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.

Anonymous

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a "No Bell" prize.

Anonymous

The most important four words for a successful marriage: 'I'll do the dishes.'

Anonymous

Dance like nobody is watching, because they are not, they are all checking their phones.

Anonymous

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Erma Bombeck

"Revenge" sounds so mean, that's why I prefer to call it "Returning the favor."

Anonymous

The only running I do is to chase the ice cream truck.

Anonymous

So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?

Anonymous

Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.

Anonymous

A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up.

Anonymous

The alphabet begins with ABC, numbers begin with 123, music begins with do-re-mi, and friendship begins with you and me.

Anonymous