I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
You have Facebook? Yup. You have Whatsapp? Yup. You have love? Forgot to install it.
Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.
Want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it.
I just finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.
What's best way to build upper arm strength? Take lots of selfies.
What did my doctor tell me when I rushed into his office and told him I have 40 seconds to live? Hold on a minute!
Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a "No Bell" prize.
The most important four words for a successful marriage: 'I'll do the dishes.'
Dance like nobody is watching, because they are not, they are all checking their phones.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
"Revenge" sounds so mean, that's why I prefer to call it "Returning the favor."
The only running I do is to chase the ice cream truck.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?
Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up.
The alphabet begins with ABC, numbers begin with 123, music begins with do-re-mi, and friendship begins with you and me.
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