Top 100 Funny Quotes

A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.

Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.

Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information, like when you're cold, you should go to a corner since it's 90 degrees there.

I just finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.

I know some people don't like me, but what can I do, not everyone has good taste.

I'll do the stupid thing first and then you shy people follow .

"Revenge" sounds so mean, that's why I prefer to call it "Returning the favor."

Facebook needs three buttons, "Like", "Dislike" and "Stop being stupid."

That moment when there's a spider on you, and you suddenly turn into a black belt karate master.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Don't mess with me, I know Karate, Judo, Jujitsu, Kung Fu and 20 other dangerous words.

My wife told me the other day that I don't take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station.

I love ordering things online because when they arrive it's like a present from me to me.

People say I act like I don't care. It's not an act.

Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.