Top 100 Funny Quotes

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Only the best of the best quotes make it here, and it's up to our visitors to decide which make it and which do not. This list is automatically sorted based on your votes, so please vote if you think a quote sucks or rocks!

Dear automatic flushing toilet... I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't done yet. - Anonymous
Dear automatic flushing toilet... I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't done yet. Anonymous
Sayings
Some people aren't just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone. - Anonymous
Some people aren't just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone. Anonymous
People Quotes Short Quotes
Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning. - Anonymous
Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning. Anonymous
Exercise Quotes Stupid Quotes
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I don't understand how I can remember every word of a song from 1984, but I can't remember why I walked into the kitchen. - Anonymous
I don't understand how I can remember every word of a song from 1984, but I can't remember why I walked into the kitchen. Anonymous
Dear life, when I said "can this day get any worse" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge. - Anonymous
Dear life, when I said "can this day get any worse" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge. Anonymous
Life Quotes Questions
"Revenge" sounds so mean, that's why I prefer to call it "Returning the favor." - Anonymous
"Revenge" sounds so mean, that's why I prefer to call it "Returning the favor." Anonymous
Sayings Short Quotes
Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.
Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow. Anonymous
Life Quotes Short Quotes
If you had to choose between eating tacos every day or being skinny for life would you choose hard or soft tacos? - Anonymous
If you had to choose between eating tacos every day or being skinny for life would you choose hard or soft tacos? Anonymous
Questions Stupid Quotes
I followed a diet but it didn't follow me back, so I unfollowed it. - Anonymous
I followed a diet but it didn't follow me back, so I unfollowed it. Anonymous
Eat Quotes Short Quotes
I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones... that's why it's called a "cell" phone. - Anonymous
I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones... that's why it's called a "cell" phone. Anonymous
Phone Sayings
The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it's having the phone number of somebody who does!
The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it's having the phone number of somebody who does! Anonymous
Know Quotes Life Quotes Phone
Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up. Anonymous
Sayings Sleep Quotes
When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to tell you.
When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to tell you. Anonymous
Sayings Short Quotes
Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them? - Anonymous
Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them? Anonymous
Life Quotes Money Quotes Phone
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