Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. Benjamin Franklin
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth! Anonymous
You laugh because I'm different........... I laugh cause I just farted! Anonymous
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. Woody Allen
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid. Anonymous
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. Henny Youngman
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories... Steven Alexander Wright
It's easy to stop smoking. I stopped smoking today with no problems. I also stopped yesterday too, and the day before that. Anonymous
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people. Anonymous
Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?' Anonymous
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Albert Einstein
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. Dave Barry
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. Sam Levenson