Dave Barry Quote

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Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

More Quotes by Dave Barry

Similar Quotes

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. - Anonymous

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making. - CoolFunnyQuotes.com

I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.

CoolFunnyQuotes.com

If what you've done is stupid but it works, then it really isn't that stupid at all. - David Letterman

If what you've done is stupid but it works, then it really isn't that stupid at all.

David Letterman

The best advise I have for all my teachers during a test is to pass the test out as fast as possible before I forget everything.

Wise Quotes

When I tried to do a search for marital advise on Google, it tried to finish my sentence for me, just like my wife does.

Don't know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they'll show up quickly.

Don't know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they'll show up quickly.

Internet

They say "don't try this at home" so I'm coming over to your house to try it. - Anonymous

They say "don't try this at home" so I'm coming over to your house to try it.

Short Quotes

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera. - Anonymous

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Some things are better left unsaid, which I certainly realize, right after I say them. - Anonymous

Some things are better left unsaid, which I certainly realize, right after I say them.

Wise Quotes

Pro Tip: In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place weiners and/or cheese slices in your pockets so the search dogs can find you first. - Anonymous

Pro Tip: In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place weiners and/or cheese slices in your pockets so the search dogs can find you first.

People who can fall asleep quickly freak me out... I mean, don't they have thoughts? - Anonymous

People who can fall asleep quickly freak me out... I mean, don't they have thoughts?

I was gonna take over the world today but I overslept. Postponed, again! - Anonymous

I was gonna take over the world today but I overslept. Postponed, again!

At night, I can't fall asleep. In the morning, I can't get up. - Anonymous

At night, I can't fall asleep. In the morning, I can't get up.

Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it. - Anonymous

Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it.

Your eyes water when you yawn because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. - Anonymous

Your eyes water when you yawn because you miss your bed and it makes you sad.

When I'm at work I can fall asleep instantly, but when I'm in my bed I can hardly fall asleep. - Anonymous

When I'm at work I can fall asleep instantly, but when I'm in my bed I can hardly fall asleep.

Never ask a starfish for directions. - Anonymous

Never ask a starfish for directions.

Sleeping on my keyboard. If I answer, I'm talking in my sleep. - Anonymous

Sleeping on my keyboard. If I answer, I'm talking in my sleep.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car. - Anonymous

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.

William Charles Dement

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