Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
More Quotes by Dave Barry
Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.
If what you've done is stupid but it works, then it really isn't that stupid at all.
The best advise I have for all my teachers during a test is to pass the test out as fast as possible before I forget everything.
When I tried to do a search for marital advise on Google, it tried to finish my sentence for me, just like my wife does.
Don't know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they'll show up quickly.
They say "don't try this at home" so I'm coming over to your house to try it.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Some things are better left unsaid, which I certainly realize, right after I say them.
Pro Tip: In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place weiners and/or cheese slices in your pockets so the search dogs can find you first.
People who can fall asleep quickly freak me out... I mean, don't they have thoughts?
I was gonna take over the world today but I overslept. Postponed, again!
At night, I can't fall asleep. In the morning, I can't get up.
Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
Your eyes water when you yawn because you miss your bed and it makes you sad.
When I'm at work I can fall asleep instantly, but when I'm in my bed I can hardly fall asleep.
Never ask a starfish for directions.
Sleeping on my keyboard. If I answer, I'm talking in my sleep.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
CoolFunnyQuotes.com © 2019