I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
just once I'd like to read a medication label that says: Warning, may cause permanent weight loss, increased energy and wrinkle removal.
Silence is golden. Too bad nobody is buying.
Don't believe everything fortune cookies tells you. Just because they're sweet doesn't mean they're right.
Finding a treasure is like working on algebra equations, all you have to do is find the X.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I actually asked for pizza.
Have no fear of perfection, you'll never reach it.
When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it.
Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.
I can't wait for that to never happen.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
I'm a Victoria's Secret model. It's such a secret, not even Victoria knows.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
My taste in music ranges from "You've gotta listen to this" to "I know, please don't judge me."
Always run away from temptations... but slowly, so they can catch up to you.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I didn't like my beard at first... then it grew on me.
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
