Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.
To make a mistake is human, but to blame it on someone else, that's even more human.
Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious.
If I say "First of all," run away, because I have prepared research, data, charts and I will totally prove you wrong.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.
Listen, smile, agree.. Then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.
I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.
I love ordering things online because when they arrive it's like a present from me to me.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with.
I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
You come into the world with nothing, and the purpose of your life is to make something out of nothing.
If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.
I once had a job in a orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Alcohol doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean... against tables, chairs and walls.
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Math: the only place where you have to figure out the ratio of yellow candy to blue candy when all you're thinking about is eating them.
When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, no, you don't deserve to be hung up, think about what you've done.
No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.
The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist.
Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
Everyone wants your happiness. Don't let them take it!!
I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right.
If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible?
The secret to happiness is not to do what makes you happy, it's to be happy doing what you're already doing.
