If lying was a job some people would be billionaires.
I hate mosquitoes. I mean, I know I am delicious, but I don't give out free samples.
If you let out a loud fart and someone hears you, just yell "Jet Power" and start running.
To make a mistake is human, but to blame it on someone else, that's even more human.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.
Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious.
Listen, smile, agree.. Then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.
Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.
I love ordering things online because when they arrive it's like a present from me to me.
Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.
I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
You come into the world with nothing, and the purpose of your life is to make something out of nothing.
If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.
If I say "First of all," run away, because I have prepared research, data, charts and I will totally prove you wrong.
Math: the only place where you have to figure out the ratio of yellow candy to blue candy when all you're thinking about is eating them.
The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist.
I once had a job in a orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.
When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, no, you don't deserve to be hung up, think about what you've done.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with.
Everyone wants your happiness. Don't let them take it!!
I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right.
No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.
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