Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious.
I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved.
Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.
Alcohol doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean... against tables, chairs and walls.
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, no, you don't deserve to be hung up, think about what you've done.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with.
Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible?
No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.
You come into the world with nothing, and the purpose of your life is to make something out of nothing.
Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.
To make a mistake is human, but to blame it on someone else, that's even more human.
Sorry I'm late, I got here as soon as I wanted to.
I once had a job in a orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Don't invite me anywhere in the last minute. I enjoy doing nothing, so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Listen, smile, agree.. Then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.
Math: the only place where you have to figure out the ratio of yellow candy to blue candy when all you're thinking about is eating them.
I love ordering things online because when they arrive it's like a present from me to me.
Stop texting me in the middle of texting you... now I have to change my text.
I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist.
I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right.
If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.
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