I don't like violence but I don't mind if I get hit by luck.
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees.
"Oh you want to have your cake and eat it too?" Darn right, what good is cake if you can't eat it ?
Don't ask me anything, and I won't tell you any lies.
There is no better moment to postpone something you don't want to do other than right now.
Your bank account can be overdrawn, but it can never be overfilled.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you're with someone you're not supposed to be seen with.
I only check my voice mail to get rid of the annoying little icon.
Got a new phone today, my old one failed the swimming test.
There's something missing in my life, I just don't know if it's a puppy, a person, or a slice of pizza.
Stop destroying the Earth, it's where I keep all my stuff.
Today I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym.
Taking a shower is awesome, it makes you feel nice and clean, makes you sound like a great singer, and helps you make all of life's decisions.
My grandpa's car is so old; when he parked in front of a museum, they towed his car inside the museum.
A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
I'm not lazy, I'm just very relaxed.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
I have a new hair style today, it's called "I tried."
I wake up looking better every day, but today I'm exaggerating.
The only thing you have to fear is fear itself... and spiders.
If at first you don't succeed, order some pizza.
Cursing after hitting oneself can reduce the pain by up to 50%.
In America, it is not important how much an item costs, it's more important how much you can save when you buy it.
Just because it's called makeup, it doesn't mean it should make up 100% of your face.
If life is not smiling at you, give it a good tickling.
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