Don't invite me anywhere in the last minute. I enjoy doing nothing, so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, no, you don't deserve to be hung up, think about what you've done.
It's alright if you don't agree with me... I can't force you to be right.
My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you after all.
I'm gonna order a pizza 5 minutes before the new year, then when it arrives I'll say I ordered this last year.
You never realize what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper is a good example.
Dear automatic flushing toilet... I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't done yet.
If lying was a job some people would be billionaires.
If only common sense were more common.
I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad!
If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible?
Alcohol doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean... against tables, chairs and walls.
I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved.
It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up the stairs and trip over nothing. I have those skills.
I hate it when I turn on the car in the morning and the music starts blasting... It's like, woah, I'm not the same person I was last night.
Please cancel my subscription to your issues.
Most of us don't realize it, but we're all part of something much bigger than ourselves, and we're all connected in some way, not just through Facebook.
I hate it when my body decides to get sick. I gave you a vegetable last week, how dare you.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Math: the only place where you have to figure out the ratio of yellow candy to blue candy when all you're thinking about is eating them.
If you're hotter than me, then that means I'm cooler than you.
If I say "First of all," run away, because I have prepared research, data, charts and I will totally prove you wrong.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you're with someone you're not supposed to be seen with.
The older I get, the less surprised I'd be if a random body part just fell off one day.
Everyone wants your happiness. Don't let them take it!!
