Lead me not into temptation... Oh who am I kidding, follow me, I know a shortcut.
If what you've done is stupid but it works, then it really isn't that stupid at all.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.
In the morning I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the evening I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the night I can't sleep.. I'm so hungry!
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
"Revenge" sounds so mean, that's why I prefer to call it "Returning the favor."
An adult is a person who no longer grows in height, but instead grows in length and width.
Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn't stop the rain but allows us to keep going.
If lying was a job some people would be billionaires.
I hate mosquitoes. I mean, I know I am delicious, but I don't give out free samples.
I'm so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign, and we played tic-tac-top on top of it.
It's alright if you don't agree with me... I can't force you to be right.
Never ask a starfish for directions.
Dance like nobody is watching, because they are not, they are all checking their phones.
I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.
Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.
When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to tell you.
Laughing is one of the best exercises, it's like running inside your mind. You can do it almost anywhere and it's even better with a friend.
If I say "First of all," run away, because I have prepared research, data, charts and I will totally prove you wrong.
I'm gonna order a pizza 5 minutes before the new year, then when it arrives I'll say I ordered this last year.
It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up the stairs and trip over nothing. I have those skills.
If you let out a loud fart and someone hears you, just yell "Jet Power" and start running.
I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.
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