Funny Sayings

My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people don't think I'm dead.

I have been putting a lot of thought into it, and I just don't think being an adult is going to work for me.

Math: the only place where you have to figure out the ratio of yellow candy to blue candy when all you're thinking about is eating them.

If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.

Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

Isn't it funny how red white and blue represent freedom, unless they're flashing behind you?

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.

He who laughs.....lasts.

Chocolate is great, it gives you energy which can be used to go buy more chocolate.

A joke is a very serious thing.

Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place... the fridge.

When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning," I sleep in until noon because I'm a problem solver.

Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it.

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers, because I can always count on them.

Dance like nobody is watching, because they are not, they are all checking their phones.

You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here.

You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.

It's funny how nobody notices all the good things you do until you don't do them.

Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.

If what you've done is stupid but it works, then it really isn't that stupid at all.

If you don't like me, remember it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.

How can you make sure you never miss your target? Shoot first, and whatever you hit, call it the target.

I turned my phone on airplane mode and threw it in the air. Worst transformer ever.

Of course I talk to myself... sometimes I need expert advice.

If you're hotter than me, then that means I'm cooler than you.