Lead me not into temptation... Oh who am I kidding, follow me, I know a shortcut.
When you fall, I will be there to catch you - With love, the floor.
I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.
Dance like nobody is watching, because they are not, they are all checking their phones.
Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
A good mood like is like a balloon, one prick is all it takes to ruin it.
Laughing is one of the best exercises, it's like running inside your mind. You can do it almost anywhere and it's even better with a friend.
If you want someone who will listen to you every time, do everything you tell them to do, and always be there for you for better or for worse, get a dog.
"Revenge" sounds so mean, that's why I prefer to call it "Returning the favor."
I'm gonna order a pizza 5 minutes before the new year, then when it arrives I'll say I ordered this last year.
It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up the stairs and trip over nothing. I have those skills.
It's alright if you don't agree with me... I can't force you to be right.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn't stop the rain but allows us to keep going.
It's really complicated to make something simple, but very simple to make something something complicated.
Never ask a starfish for directions.
An adult is a person who no longer grows in height, but instead grows in length and width.
I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved.
I'm so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign, and we played tic-tac-top on top of it.
When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to tell you.
If lying was a job some people would be billionaires.
I hate mosquitoes. I mean, I know I am delicious, but I don't give out free samples.
If you let out a loud fart and someone hears you, just yell "Jet Power" and start running.
Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.
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