If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 years, you can believe in yourself for 5 minutes.
Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious.
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
Smile today, tomorrow could be worse.
I know I'm a handful, but that's why you have two hands.
I hate it when I turn on the car in the morning and the music starts blasting... It's like, woah, I'm not the same person I was last night.
If at first you don't succeed, order some pizza.
I hate mosquitoes. I mean, I know I am delicious, but I don't give out free samples.
Never ask a starfish for directions.
If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!
I am too lazy to be lazy.
I'd take a nerf bullet for you.
Dear automatic flushing toilet... I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't done yet.
I wake up looking better every day, but today I'm exaggerating.
The only thing you have to fear is fear itself... and spiders.
Taking a shower is awesome, it makes you feel nice and clean, makes you sound like a great singer, and helps you make all of life's decisions.
The road to success is always under construction.
A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.
The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withstand tremedous boredom."
"Revenge" sounds so mean, that's why I prefer to call it "Returning the favor."
Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.
I don't need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry!
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.
I hate it when my body decides to get sick. I gave you a vegetable last week, how dare you.
Never let anyone treat you like regular glue. You're glitter glue.
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