Funny Sayings

Lead me not into temptation... Oh who am I kidding, follow me, I know a shortcut.

Stop texting me in the middle of texting you... now I have to change my text.

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously.

The older I get, the less surprised I'd be if a random body part just fell off one day.

Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back.

How can you make sure you never miss your target? Shoot first, and whatever you hit, call it the target.

Of course I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

If you ever get an email about pork, ham, salt, and preservatives, don't open it. It's spam

They say the best things take time. That's why I'm always late.

I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad!

You're born free, then you're taxed to death.

Alcohol doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean... against tables, chairs and walls.

There's something missing in my life, I just don't know if it's a puppy, a person, or a slice of pizza.

It's funny how nobody notices all the good things you do until you don't do them.