"Revenge" sounds so mean, that's why I prefer to call it "Returning the favor."
You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.
Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.
I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right.
When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning," I sleep in until noon because I'm a problem solver.
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.
In the morning I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the evening I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the night I can't sleep.. I'm so hungry!
It's alright if you don't agree with me... I can't force you to be right.
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a "No Bell" prize.
I'm gonna order a pizza 5 minutes before the new year, then when it arrives I'll say I ordered this last year.
If I say "First of all," run away, because I have prepared research, data, charts and I will totally prove you wrong.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.
If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible?
The road to success is always under construction.
Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious.
I know the voices in my head aren't real..... but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!
When nothing is going right, go left.
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