Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
If I'm silent it's because there's thunder inside me. Or I'm just chilling, may the odds be in your favor.
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a "No Bell" prize.
Chocolate is great, it gives you energy which can be used to go buy more chocolate.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
With great power comes an even greater electricity bill.
If only common sense were more common.
Don't be stupid, it might make you famous.
I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge.
If a philosopher answers your question, you will no longer understand what you asked in the first place.
I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, I don't even know where sandwiches live.
Most of us don't realize it, but we're all part of something much bigger than ourselves, and we're all connected in some way, not just through Facebook.
All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza.
Sleeping is hard in the summer because the blankets are too warm, but without them I am vulnerable to monsters.
Due to intense brain fog all of my thoughts have been grounded until further notice.
If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.
I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad!
I know I'm a handful, but that's why you have two hands.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Smile while you still have teeth.
I don't need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry!
You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.
If you know something will go wrong and you do everything to stop it from happening, then something else will go wrong.
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