You call it nagging, I call it 'listen to what I said the first time!'
The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it's having the phone number of somebody who does!
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
With great power comes an even greater electricity bill.
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
If a philosopher answers your question, you will no longer understand what you asked in the first place.
If only common sense were more common.
Most of us don't realize it, but we're all part of something much bigger than ourselves, and we're all connected in some way, not just through Facebook.
Due to intense brain fog all of my thoughts have been grounded until further notice.
Chocolate is great, it gives you energy which can be used to go buy more chocolate.
Don't be stupid, it might make you famous.
Smile while you still have teeth.
I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, I don't even know where sandwiches live.
I don't need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry!
All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza.
If you know something will go wrong and you do everything to stop it from happening, then something else will go wrong.
Sleeping is hard in the summer because the blankets are too warm, but without them I am vulnerable to monsters.
Of course I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.
I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad!
I know I'm a handful, but that's why you have two hands.
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
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