The road to success is always under construction.
Some days I wish I had the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 3 year old.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
Been there done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
Chocolate is great, it gives you energy which can be used to go buy more chocolate.
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
Don't be stupid, it might make you famous.
Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence, after all intelligence has it's limits.
If a philosopher answers your question, you will no longer understand what you asked in the first place.
All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza.
With great power comes an even greater electricity bill.
Most of us don't realize it, but we're all part of something much bigger than ourselves, and we're all connected in some way, not just through Facebook.
Sleeping is hard in the summer because the blankets are too warm, but without them I am vulnerable to monsters.
I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, I don't even know where sandwiches live.
If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.
I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad!
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
If I'm silent it's because there's thunder inside me. Or I'm just chilling, may the odds be in your favor.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
If only common sense were more common.
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a "No Bell" prize.
I don't need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry!
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