Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence, after all intelligence has it's limits.
Chocolate is great, it gives you energy which can be used to go buy more chocolate.
Don't be stupid, it might make you famous.
If a philosopher answers your question, you will no longer understand what you asked in the first place.
All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza.
Most of us don't realize it, but we're all part of something much bigger than ourselves, and we're all connected in some way, not just through Facebook.
I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, I don't even know where sandwiches live.
With great power comes an even greater electricity bill.
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
If I'm silent it's because there's thunder inside me. Or I'm just chilling, may the odds be in your favor.
If only common sense were more common.
I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge.
Sleeping is hard in the summer because the blankets are too warm, but without them I am vulnerable to monsters.
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a "No Bell" prize.
If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patterns in their crops and leave.
I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad!
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
I don't need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry!
Due to intense brain fog all of my thoughts have been grounded until further notice.
I know I'm a handful, but that's why you have two hands.
I'm just going to flip this omelette... Okay, we're having scrambled eggs.
You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.
It's better to shut up and give the impression that you're stupid than to say something and erase all doubt.
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