You can't have everything... where would you put it?
Dear automatic flushing toilet... I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't done yet.
Sorry I'm late, I got here as soon as I wanted to.
Don't invite me anywhere in the last minute. I enjoy doing nothing, so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.
When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn't then go in through the window.
You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here.
Some days, you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue, just live with it.
Please cancel my subscription to your issues.
To the guy who created imaginary numbers in Math: I hate you.
Stop texting me in the middle of texting you... now I have to change my text.
I love my job only when I'm on vacation.
Those who snore always fall asleep first.
You're never too old to do goofy stuff.
The road to success is always under construction.
I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
Some days I wish I had the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 3 year old.
You're born free, then you're taxed to death.
Hold on, let me overthink this.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
You call it nagging, I call it 'listen to what I said the first time!'
The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it's having the phone number of somebody who does!
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
Been there done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
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