I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
I'm so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign, and we played tic-tac-top on top of it.
I'm just going to flip this omelette... Okay, we're having scrambled eggs.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you're with someone you're not supposed to be seen with.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn't stop the rain but allows us to keep going.
Please cancel my subscription to your issues.
Today I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym.
When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, no, you don't deserve to be hung up, think about what you've done.
I think I may need professional help... A chef, a butler and a maid should be enough.
Most of us don't realize it, but we're all part of something much bigger than ourselves, and we're all connected in some way, not just through Facebook.
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Edgar Bergen
The chains on my mood swing just snapped. Run!
No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees.
If you want someone who will listen to you every time, do everything you tell them to do, and always be there for you for better or for worse, get a dog.
You're never too old to do goofy stuff.
It's really complicated to make something simple, but very simple to make something something complicated.
The best part of going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.
If you let out a loud fart and someone hears you, just yell "Jet Power" and start running.
The secret to happiness is not to do what makes you happy, it's to be happy doing what you're already doing.
There's something missing in my life, I just don't know if it's a puppy, a person, or a slice of pizza.
You never run out of things that can go wrong.
Edward A. Murphy (Murphy's Law)
