A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.
The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist.
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
Dear automatic flushing toilet... I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't done yet.
When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn't then go in through the window.
Everyone wants your happiness. Don't let them take it!!
Some days, you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue, just live with it.
Stop texting me in the middle of texting you... now I have to change my text.
Please cancel my subscription to your issues.
Those who snore always fall asleep first.
Some days I wish I had the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 3 year old.
The road to success is always under construction.
You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here.
Hold on, let me overthink this.
I love my job only when I'm on vacation.
To the guy who created imaginary numbers in Math: I hate you.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
Been there done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence, after all intelligence has it's limits.
You're never too old to do goofy stuff.
I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
You're born free, then you're taxed to death.
You call it nagging, I call it 'listen to what I said the first time!'
The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it's having the phone number of somebody who does!
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