Alcohol doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean... against tables, chairs and walls.
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
The secret to happiness is not to do what makes you happy, it's to be happy doing what you're already doing.
Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
Dear automatic flushing toilet... I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't done yet.
If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible?
You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here.
Sorry I'm late, I got here as soon as I wanted to.
To the guy who created imaginary numbers in Math: I hate you.
A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.
Don't invite me anywhere in the last minute. I enjoy doing nothing, so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Please cancel my subscription to your issues.
I love my job only when I'm on vacation.
When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn't then go in through the window.
Some days, you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue, just live with it.
You're born free, then you're taxed to death.
You call it nagging, I call it 'listen to what I said the first time!'
You're never too old to do goofy stuff.
The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it's having the phone number of somebody who does!
Those who snore always fall asleep first.
Stop texting me in the middle of texting you... now I have to change my text.
I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
Hold on, let me overthink this.
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
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