A fisherman who just caught a huge salmon reels the fish in, looks at the fish and says 'I am taking you for tonight's dinner!' The fish replies 'I already ate, can we go somewhere else?'
When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half eaten sandwich.
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
Don't believe everything fortune cookies tells you. Just because they're sweet doesn't mean they're right.
Give a man a fish and he will have food for one day. Teach him to catch fish and he will spend all day at the lake drinking beer.
Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying.
You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.
I am on a 20 day diet, so far I've lost 10 days.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late.
Birthdays are nature's way of feeding us cake.
One day you're 18 eating pizza for every lunch, then suddenly you're 30 and eating salad with celery and kale juice.
Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.
