Top 100 Funny Quotes

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My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty. - Anonymous
My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty. Anonymous
Short Quotes Stupid Quotes Witty Quotes
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a "No Bell" prize. - Anonymous
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a "No Bell" prize. Anonymous
Sayings Short Quotes Wise Quotes
It's really complicated to make something simple.
It's really complicated to make something simple, but very simple to make something something complicated. Anonymous
Sayings Statements
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera. - Anonymous
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera. Anonymous
Sayings
I'm stuck between "I need to save money" and "You only live once." - Anonymous
I'm stuck between "I need to save money" and "You only live once." Anonymous
Life Quotes Money Quotes Short Quotes
Math: the only place where you have to figure out the ratio of yellow candy to blue candy when all you're thinking about is eating them. - Anonymous
Math: the only place where you have to figure out the ratio of yellow candy to blue candy when all you're thinking about is eating them. Anonymous
Eat Quotes Math Quotes Sayings
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner

Life Quotes Love Quotes Marriage Quotes
If you can't find your better half, try finding your better two quarters. - Anonymous
If you can't find your better half, try finding your better two quarters. Anonymous
Short Quotes Stupid Quotes
Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers. - Anonymous
Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers. Anonymous
Work Quotes
I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, I don't even know where sandwiches live. - Anonymous
I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, I don't even know where sandwiches live. Anonymous
Eat Quotes Know Quotes Sayings
I know my limits. I don't always obey them, but I know them. - Anonymous
I know my limits. I don't always obey them, but I know them. Anonymous
Know Quotes Life Quotes Short Quotes
The alphabet begins with ABC, numbers begin with 123, music begins with do-re-mi, and friendship begins with you and me.
The alphabet begins with ABC, numbers begin with 123, music begins with do-re-mi, and friendship begins with you and me. Anonymous
Friend Quotes
Don't drink to forget me, you'll end up seeing me double. - Anonymous
Don't drink to forget me, you'll end up seeing me double. Anonymous
Beer Quotes Drinking Short Quotes
If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!
If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth! Anonymous
Sayings
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