If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
The most important four words for a successful marriage: 'I'll do the dishes.'
Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.
Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now that's confusing.
Don't worry about what to wear today, your smile goes with any clothes.
I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right.
My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.
That awkward moment you can't understand what somebody is saying after they have repeated it about five times.
There's life without Facebook and Internet? Really? Send me the link.
Dear Diamond, we all know who is really a girl's best friend. Sincerely yours, Chocolate Cake.
My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people don't think I'm dead.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
Some of the greatest ideas of all time have come to people during Math class... none of which had anything to do with Math.
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.
I didn't fall, I'm just spending some quality time with the floor.
Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world.
It's alright if you don't agree with me... I can't force you to be right.
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