Top 100 Funny Quotes

If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front.

Anonymous

For me, math class is like watching a foreign movie without subtitles.

Anonymous

If I had 10 cookies and you took half, do you know what you would have? That's right, a black eye and a broken hand.

Anonymous

Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.

Anonymous

My cell phone is acting up, I keep pressing the home button but when I look around, I'm still at work.

Anonymous

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Anonymous

Seeing a spider in my room isn't scary. It's scary when it disappears.

Anonymous

A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up.

Anonymous

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket."

Anonymous

Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe.

Anonymous

If lying was a job some people would be billionaires.

Anonymous

I don't like morning people... or mornings, or people.

Anonymous

Good friends don't let their friends do stupid things alone.

Anonymous

Dance like nobody is watching, because they are not, they are all checking their phones.

Anonymous

You can teach a cat to do anything that it wants to do.

Anonymous

My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you after all.

Anonymous

When a couple is arguing over who loves who more, the one that gives up is the real winner.

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If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

Anonymous