Short Funny Quotes

I want to sleep but my brain won't stop talking to itself.

Anonymous

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

Anonymous

I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

Anonymous

I don't need a fancy watch to tell me I'm not fit one bit.

Anonymous

I don't understand, but I also don't care... so it works out.

Anonymous

"Made with love," means I licked the spoon and kept using it.

Anonymous

They say the best things take time. That's why I'm always late.

Anonymous

I wish I could invoice people for wasting my time.

Anonymous

Give me your photo so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas.

Anonymous

Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.

Anonymous

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

Anonymous

Those who snore always fall asleep first.

Anonymous

Life is the dash between the birth date and the passed away date.

Anonymous

I'm multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.

Anonymous

You don't have to be crazy to hang out with me... I'll train you.

Anonymous

When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess.

Anonymous

Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious.

Anonymous

I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck!

Anonymous