Short Funny Quotes

My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people don't think I'm dead.

People say you can't live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.

If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?

How come iPhone chargers are not called apple juice?

To the guy who created imaginary numbers in Math: I hate you.

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

I'm not lazy, I'm just very relaxed.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying!

I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

Smile today, tomorrow could be worse.