For me, math class is like watching a foreign movie without subtitles.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?
If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have thick fingers.
You're never too old to do goofy stuff.
Don't judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it.
I don't understand why judges get paid so much, others judge me for free.
I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.
Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo.
I wish I could invoice people for wasting my time.
Fart when someone hugs you, it makes them feel strong.
Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else?
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a "No Bell" prize.
You wanna know who I'm in love with? Read the first word again.
I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Yes officer I saw the speed limit, I just didn't see your car.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket."
The most fun things in life are either immoral, illegal or they make you fat.
If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.
