I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying!
If you have crazy friends you have everything you'll ever need.
I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket."
I don't like morning people... or mornings, or people.
I am too lazy to be lazy.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible?
If you're hotter than me, then that means I'm cooler than you.
I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved.
You call it nagging, I call it 'listen to what I said the first time!'
We're all mature, until someone pulls out some bubble wrap.
My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I'd have to do.
What keys can't open locks? Monkeys, donkeys and turkeys.
Yes officer I saw the speed limit, I just didn't see your car.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people don't think I'm dead.
Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.
A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.
I was gonna take over the world today but I overslept. Postponed, again!
Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world.
I'm sorry that I'm not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse.
If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front.
My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.
You wanna know who I'm in love with? Read the first word again.
Making food: 1 hour. Eating food: 20 seconds. Washing dishes: never ending.
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