Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it.
Sometimes I'm grateful that thoughts don't appear as bubbles over our heads.
The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
On Mercury a day lasts 1,408 hours. Just like every Monday does on Earth.
What do I do for a living? I breathe in and out.
If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
When nothing is going right, go left.
I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying!
I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better.
If you have crazy friends you have everything you'll ever need.
I'm old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.
I'm sorry that I'm not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse.
I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.
Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else?
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
Fart when someone hugs you, it makes them feel strong.
Everyone wants your happiness. Don't let them take it!!
Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
You wanna know who I'm in love with? Read the first word again.
Santa saw your Facebook posts. This year you're getting a dictionary.
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