Santa saw your Facebook posts. This year you're getting a dictionary.
What do I do for a living? I breathe in and out.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day.
If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?
Did you just fall? No, I was checking if gravity still works.
I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour.
A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up.
You know what's funny? Lots of things, so lighten up!
If lying was a job some people would be billionaires.
I hate when I go to the kitchen looking for food, and I find is ingredients.
Camping: When you spend a small fortune to live like somebody poor.
I don't need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry!
Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.
Want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it.
I fractured my laziness and dislocated my interest.
Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else?
Tell me what is your dream job? In my dreams I don't work.
Sometimes I'm grateful that thoughts don't appear as bubbles over our heads.
I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right.
I have lots of hidden talents. The problem is, even I can't find them.
You know you are lazy when you get excited about cancelling your plans.
I wonder, we lazy people go to heaven... or do they send someone to pick us up?
When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess.
Work again? Really? Didn't I just do that yesterday?
