Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it.
Roses are red, my name is not Dave, this makes no sense, microwave.
I'm old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.
My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people don't think I'm dead.
Did you just fall? No, I was checking if gravity still works.
If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
I love my computer because all my friends live inside it!
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.
The best revenge is massive success.
All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.
Never let your best friends get lonely... keep disturbing them.
When you fall, I will be there to catch you - With love, the floor.
It may look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head I'm quite busy.
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.
I love my job only when I'm on vacation.
The best things in life are free. The rest are too expensive.
I'm sorry that I'm not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse.
I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.
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