Short Funny Quotes

I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.

Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else?

I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better.

Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.

Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

The best things in life are free. The rest are too expensive.

Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe.

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.

I wonder, we lazy people go to heaven... or do they send someone to pick us up?

I can't sleep good when I know the food is feeling cold in the fridge.

I fractured my laziness and dislocated my interest.

Yesterday I did nothing and today I'm finishing what I did yesterday.

I have lots of hidden talents. The problem is, even I can't find them.

Camping: When you spend a small fortune to live like somebody poor.

When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to tell you.

Today I was a hero. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle.

If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible?

All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.

I love my computer because all my friends live inside it!

A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.

When you fall, I will be there to catch you - With love, the floor.

A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.

My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour.