Short Funny Quotes

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

Lily Tomlin

I love my six pack so much, I protect is with a layer of fat.

Anonymous

If only common sense were more common.

Anonymous

Life's biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I don't want to get out of bed.

Anonymous

I liked the movie Titanic, my favorite character was the iceberg.

Anonymous

I'm going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, I'm outstanding.

Anonymous

How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?

Anonymous

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Dave Barry

It's alright if you don't agree with me... I can't force you to be right.

Anonymous

It was me, I let the dogs out.

Anonymous

When you fall, I will be there to catch you - With love, the floor.

Anonymous

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Erma Bombeck

Life doesn't have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.

Anonymous

My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I'd have to do.

Anonymous

The only relationship I have is with my Wi-Fi. We have a connection.

Anonymous

If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

Anonymous

I'm sorry that I'm not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse.

Anonymous

Sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels.

Anonymous