Short Funny Quotes

The most fun things in life are either immoral, illegal or they make you fat.

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees.

The trash gets picked up tomorrow. Be ready.

If you're hotter than me, then that means I'm cooler than you.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

It's alright if you don't agree with me... I can't force you to be right.

I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle!... He's dreaming too.

If lying was a job some people would be billionaires.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

To make time fly, throw your watch out the window.

I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.

I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved.

As long as everything is exactly the way I want it.. I'm totally flexible.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.