Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
I love my six pack so much, I protect is with a layer of fat.
If only common sense were more common.
Life's biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I don't want to get out of bed.
I liked the movie Titanic, my favorite character was the iceberg.
I'm going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, I'm outstanding.
How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
It's alright if you don't agree with me... I can't force you to be right.
It was me, I let the dogs out.
When you fall, I will be there to catch you - With love, the floor.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Life doesn't have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.
My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I'd have to do.
The only relationship I have is with my Wi-Fi. We have a connection.
If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
I'm sorry that I'm not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse.
Sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels.
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