Short Funny Quotes

You know you are lazy when you get excited about cancelling your plans.

Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.

I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle!... He's dreaming too.

Yesterday I did nothing and today I'm finishing what I did yesterday.

Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.

Fart when someone hugs you, it makes them feel strong.

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.

You're born free, then you're taxed to death.

If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.

All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.

I hate when I go to the kitchen looking for food, and I find is ingredients.

Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter... people the opposite.