Life's biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I don't want to get out of bed.
My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.
Me and my wife lived happily for twenty years.... then we met.
If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?
If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.
I am too lazy to be lazy.
Don't be stupid, it might make you famous.
Sometimes I'm grateful that thoughts don't appear as bubbles over our heads.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
How come iPhone chargers are not called apple juice?
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
Everyone wants your happiness. Don't let them take it!!
Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
When nothing is going right, go left.
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.
