Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. - Anonymous

Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back.

If you're all wrapped up in yourself then you are overdressed.

If you're all wrapped up in yourself then you are overdressed.

Two mice are eating a movie film roll at a cinema when one says to the other: this movie is good, but the book was better!

Two mice are eating a movie film roll at a cinema when one says to the other: this movie is good, but the book was better!

At night, I can't fall asleep. In the morning, I can't get up. - Anonymous

At night, I can't fall asleep. In the morning, I can't get up.

I'll call it a smartphone when I yell "Where's my phone?" and it yells back "Down here in the couch cushions!" - Anonymous

I'll call it a smartphone when I yell "Where's my phone?" and it yells back "Down here in the couch cushions!"

Phone

Smiles are contagious... be a carrier. - Anonymous

Smiles are contagious... be a carrier.

People say I act like I don't care. It's not an act. - Anonymous

People say I act like I don't care. It's not an act.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Sorry for being late, I was enjoying my last few minutes of not being here. - Anonymous

Sorry for being late, I was enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.

I always mean what I say, I don't always mean to say it out loud, but I always mean it. - Anonymous

I always mean what I say, I don't always mean to say it out loud, but I always mean it.

Statements

Life status: Currently holding it all together with one bobby pin. - Anonymous

Life status: Currently holding it all together with one bobby pin.

Next week I'm going on a diet, you can buy me jewelry instead of chocolate. - Anonymous

Next week I'm going on a diet, you can buy me jewelry instead of chocolate.

I'm not lazy, I'm just very relaxed.

I'm not lazy, I'm just very relaxed.

I'm not arguing, I'm just telling you why you're wrong. - Anonymous

I'm not arguing, I'm just telling you why you're wrong.

Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food. - Anonymous

Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.

I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it.

I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it.

Taking a shower is awesome, it makes you feel nice and clean, makes you sound like a great singer, and helps you make all of life's decisions.

Taking a shower is awesome, it makes you feel nice and clean, makes you sound like a great singer, and helps you make all of life's decisions.

I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous. - Anonymous

I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.

I hate it when people text "Call me." I'm going to start calling people and as soon as they answer I'll say "text me," then hang up. - Anonymous

I hate it when people text "Call me." I'm going to start calling people and as soon as they answer I'll say "text me," then hang up.

You know you're a mom when you understand why mama bear's porridge was cold. - Anonymous

You know you're a mom when you understand why mama bear's porridge was cold.

I'm not running away from hard work, I'm too lazy to run. - Anonymous

I'm not running away from hard work, I'm too lazy to run.

The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I actually asked for pizza. - Anonymous

The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I actually asked for pizza.

Your legs must be tired because you have been running through my mind all night.

Your legs must be tired because you have been running through my mind all night.

How does a train eat? Chew, Chew... - Anonymous

How does a train eat? Chew, Chew...